today

I am not sure who or where I am.
Things went OK at work today. So why do I want to disappear? No idea. The urge to self destruct is very very strong though. Sometimes it all feels worthless and pointless and too hard. Tonight is one of those times. So I will probably disappear to bed and take some tablets again in a vain effort to convince myself that the fight is worth the effort.
The trouble is, really, that the only reason it seems worth the effort is because the result of not making the effort would bring so much hurt to others. For me, it just seems like an endless struggle. When does my own despair outweigh the needs of others? (Answer is probably when I am less inebriated. But the dulling of pain is, of itself, a necessity just now).

I have a strong suspicion that I will despise this post tomorrow. Read if you will - this may vanish.
For now it stands as a reminder that life seems pretty pointless and difficult at times.