"Knowledge is power".
I agree - not in the sense that knowledge brings control over others, but that knowledge brings a sense of control and security.
I received some more information from BLPT on Friday, connected to my complaint. I've mulled over whether this knowledge is dangerous to me or a good thing for me, and I come down very heavily on the latter.
Childhood was full of secrets. It was also full of assumed adult responsibilities - like keeping home relatively stable. To do that I needed information. I needed to know what threats were on the horizon. Knowledge, for me, is implicitly tangled in a sense of safety. I wonder for how many people that is the case? I don't do surprises well (my husband knows NEVER to throw a surprise party for me!) I'm OK in the immediacy of an unexpected event, but then tend to fall apart. I need to plan things out, look at possibilities and options. It's true whether the future event is good or bad. So knowledge for me (even of the bad bits) is helpful - it brings understanding and security.
I suppose the danger is that I will keep dwelling on what has happened, with all the dreadful repercussions of that horrible time. there is a balance to be struck here, I know. But I need to process what happened in order to move on. I can't process it without some understanding and to uderstand I need to know. So this latest information helps me in that moving on.