Monday, 28 January 2008

Can I?

Not sure.

It's all rolling back.

Rekindled by the lies and half truths I see written about me.

I am stronger now than I was then. I know this.

But sometimes it is so easy to believe what they say. What they write. Especially when the people writing are those I have trusted.

How do I reconcile my trust with the things they did not tell me, which I see written here now?

It hurts.

And I don't think I will ever be able to tell them how much it hurts.

I wonder if they thought about the fact that one day I might find out what they said about me to others. I wonder if they thought how I would feel, reading, "My advice would be not to respond" (combined with the fact that they appeared, to me, to understand how badly I needed a response. How does this affect how much I can trust them now?
Reading,"Anything short of the apology she is asking for will be unacceptable to C (I am not suggesting we should do this, because of the reservations we shared at Monday's meeting)" I can only dwell on what those "reservations" were? Why can the apology not be given? How can someone I trust be saying this?

I am glad to know this but it makes my distrust even greater. I am glad to see "behind the scenes" but it only deepens my sense that there is something being hidden from me, and it is being hidden for the good of the "organisation" rather than for my good.

2 comments:

MMP said...

ah.

hugs
and mellow comforting music to drift into your soul somehow

Disillusioned said...

thanks.