Unfortunately, they do sometimes collapse. Much like me really. So what to do when faced with a collapsed wall?
Well, I suppose you could try randomly throwing the stones back on to the wall. Trouble is, they tend to fall down faster than you can pile them up. Not a good solution.
You could gather together a whole bunch of people and get them all to hold up different parts of the wall. That support has been provided to me, and I have appreciated it massively. I still need these supporters - but I need to find a way of making the wall stand up by itself, in the long term.
Sellotape? Doesn't work either. Feels like that has been tried with me, with the many and varied recommendations for medications, often at maximum BNF doses. What with Escitalopram, Trazodone, Valium, Zopiclone, Quetiapine and suggestions of Risperdal and Flupentixol thrown in for good measure ... I'm sure they are all very good sticking plasters, but they're not seeming to help me mend my wall. So I'm giving up on them. All of them. Now.
To rebuild a dry stone wall, a skilled craftsperson has to take each stone and look at it carefully. A decision has to be made as to whether it is a good fit for a given gap. If not, it is put on one side - not discarded, merely left for a "better fit". Each stone is learnt by the waller, understood, and then found a place.
Feels like that's what I need to do. A possible moment of clarity. For my current crisis does not seem to be mainly a product of an underlying biochemical imbalance. Rather it is a reaction to events. The same two causes could be identified with dry stonewalls, I suspect; occasionally stones crack due to frost and that could cause a collapse. Alternatively, the wall could be bashed by something large, clumsy and inconsiderate.
I need to rebuild my wall. Not with sellotape. Not in haste. Slowly, carefully, with thought. I suspect that may involve me looking closely at a number of stones which I will not like the appearance of. Some of them may be heavy for me to lift. I might need help with some of them. I'll need to use all the skills I have, and call on the skills of others. But I'm not going to rely on drugs any more. Stopped one last night (the hated "fat pills"); tonight I will begin reducing my trazodone and, with determination, I can be medication free (apart from my asthma meds) before I go back to school next week.
It feels like a moment of clarity for me. Feels like I can see things clearly again, after a long time. What do you think?