Got through another day - and without adding any more physical damage. The week is easier. D phoned me - she is so kind to me and is helping so much. I see her on Wednesday, with a psychiatrist I have not met before.
Phoned a friend yesterday evening when things got really bad (W was out) and that helped massively. She is of the opinion that BLPT are never going to give me the apology I seek and that i should stop fighting because doing so is damaging me so much. But i have a feeling that stopping without resolution would also damage me so much. If only the response had followed through from the meeting, if only all the things (and I have it in writing) which it was promised would be addressed, had been addressed. If only they had apologised for them, and worked out how they happened, and identified how to stop it happening to others.
I could give up for me (maybe!) but I can't give up for others who can't fight this damaged, closed-ranks, system - this system which seems to repeatedly deny there are any problems except the service users.
There are all the right words in their policies, procedures and board meetings - but attitudes remain in the "closed ranks" position, protecting their own and their reputation. How much of a disaster would it take to cause even a chink in that formation, I wonder - and can I really achieve anything, for me or for others?
I did have an email from the CEO yesterday. He has been ill, hence no response from his office. I still don't understand, however, why it is that nobody even acknowledged receipt of my emails - that wouldn't have taken much, would it? I have the scary feeling of them wanting to ignore me in the hope i will go away. It came too close to my ultimate disappearance last weekend for me to feel safe just now.
I'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.
Blogs I read
- A Fortunate Man
- A Long Walk to Forever
- Awareness
- Dare to Dream
- Fighting the Urge
- Frolicking Through Llife
- Good in parts
- I'm a Medical Student...
- Lake Cocytus
- Mandy
- Marcella
- Medicines, Animals and a Dream
- Mental nurse
- Mouse
- Nearly time
- Neenaw
- One Pedestrian Away
- Pip
- Pole to Polar
- Police Inspector Blog
- Rainbow Dreams
- Random Acts of Reality
- Rufus May
- Schizophrenia - a Carer's Story
- Seratonin
- The fight for Mrs Carr
- The muddled marketplace
- There and Back
- Traumaqueen
- Useless CPN
2 comments:
So glad you posted - I'd been thinking of you so much as the new week got under way. I'm proud of you for phoning your friend when you needed to. I'm inclined to believe she's right that you may not get the apology you long for, but I can also see that as long as they fail to respond, you are likely to feel trapped by the feelings they've evoked. Impossible situation.
What a blessing that D is on hand, - and I hope that her colleague is also a source of help and support.
Still praying, Caroline...x
In July this year I was referred to my Trust's local MH gym , treated very badly there on my first visit so I asked for a meeting to explain how I felt to the gym instructor who had supervised me alone and repeatedly accused me of being negative for simply expecting an induction and asking a few questions of him.
I had been referred to the gym with motivational problems caused by depression and I fell foul of the instructors negating attitude for asking for support organising an exercise regime because he simply expected me to be self motivated and organising and as soon as he had dealt with me as a unwanted distraction he returned to
his seat , picked up his magazine and turned his rap music on full blast leaving me feeling too uncomfortable to return to the gym
At one point the instructor had pointed to a sign on the wall reading ' We Dont Bring Our Problems Here' and with his other hand put his finger to his lips in an attempt to infantalise me into silently putting up with his discrimnatory conduct.
..
I attempted to discuss my issue with the gym instructor at a local resolution meeting set up by my PCT but he angrilly told me how he ran the gym had nothing to do with me , threatened his manager with union action and stormed out of the meeting triggering a disciplinary against himself.
I was told to give the Trust 3 weeks to resolve this problem, which I did, 3 weeks later I was informed there was no alternative but to be supervised alone by this man again.
I didnt find this acceptable or ethical as he still faced a disciplinary he blamed on me.
I was then told someone else could be present , which on reflection wasnt acceptable either, why did I need to be chaperoned ?, and the manager of the MH unit also agreed it wasnt a workable solution.
The absence of solutions though quickly made me ' the problem'.
It took my Trust 4 months to provide a meaningless official apology appended with a list of inappropriate substitute services that either didnt involve use of a gym, required me to make a daily 14 mile round trip to use one or joining paid for services provided by outside agencies I didnt want to be involved with.
So, even where Trust's have to discipline their staff over gross misconduct, we're in the wrong and get denied services.
Wonderful isnt it!
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