Swimming away from the whirlpool

I'm determined not to be dragged down into the spiralling depths this time.

Today I made a list of the current "challenges" which face me. Was able to see my way clear through most of them. The one which seems to be most current is the disapproval from a colleague (daughter's form tutor) and the head teacher. Those have triggered off all my schemas around needing to please others / defectiveness / abandonment etc. So I am making a determined onslaught on those, as much as I am able to. Lots of self talk around it not being necessary (or practical) to have the approval of everyone. Lots of tapping into previous and current messages of approval / being liked / accepted. Trying to add in the nurturing activities which will also feed into that so went out with a colleague from school today, which was nice; doing craft activities (which help me to feel I have value), did some Yoga from a DVD this evening which helped relax me briefly. Have resorted to Valium this evening as the anxiety started to spiral, and have got to some level of internal acceptance that Valium may be necessary for me for the next few days as I go through the disapproval and realise it is neither disastrous nor insurmountable. I suppose my deep fear is that everyone will turn against me and I will be isolated (strong echoes with how younger daughter is feeling right now, and a reason why dealing with that is so important to me). I have to keep reminding myself that I have done my best to look after my daughter, and that her well being is of greater priority to me than the approval of my colleagues.
A positive today (along with an enjoyable afternoon with my friend from school) was being told that the Year 5 team would welcome me being part of their team next year; with not having a tutor group I will be "surplus to requirements" in Year 7 (possibly another trigger point to my current unease) and the member of staff who was attached to Y5 without a tutor group is now taking on my Y7 role. It was nice to know that (a) I will be welcome and (b) they can already envisage me being an asset to the group and having specific roles and responsibilities within it.
I need to get through this current time of unsettled anxiety, to recognise that I can survive it and not fall down into the spiral again. I'm having to pull out all of the tools in my toolbox, and it is a source of some disappointment (and sense of failure) that I am needing so much support and so many prompts of how to help myself. But if I can just get through all this it will hopefully give me evidence that I can cope; at the moment I tend towards feeling rather negative and could easily buy into my head teacher's hints that maybe I am not cut out for teaching any more.