I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing about this, as well as some arranging and clarifying. The arranging and clarifying have, I think, been key components in making me feel more confident about the meeting (which is now scheduled for Wednesday morning). Knowing that my union rep will be there (I decided his presence was more useful than the assistant head's, and was able to tell her of my decision appropriately) gives me confidence that I will not be persuaded against my will that I have no option but to leave teaching, and/or school. I had this image of being railroaded but have thought it through sufficiently to recognise that a sacking is not on the cards. The nurse I have seen from Occupational Health is not able to be there and initially I was concerned about this - but realistically there is little she can add. There will be a representative from Human resources and of course the head and myself. So I now know who and when as well as where, and that helps - I have removed some of the uncertainties and done all I can do in terms of making arrangements.

As far as the content of the meeting goes, I am hoping to meet with my union rep before the meeting just to clarify what I think will help me to cope better. There are things school could put in place; there are also things I would like them to do or put in place which may not be feasible and some things which I know they may not be willing to do. There are also things I need to do in continuing the changes I am making and carrying those across to school.

I've also been thinking about jumping through hoops and ticking boxes. As I touched on in my reply to Dana, so much of teaching is like that. It struck me that these days in education it is not enough to be "good enough"; instead we are all (staff and pupils) expected to be excellent all of the time. I have bought into those expectations and breaking out of them will be hard. Equally, this meeting is about ticking boxes, saying the right things, covering their backs on the part of the county council and school. So perhaps it is appropriate not to take it too seriously, to see it for what it is at least in part, as a series of boxes which have to be ticked and be seen to have been ticked, and to take as much as I can from it that is helpful to me.

I was worrying earlier today that i haven't achieved much over the last couple of days, and feeling frustrated that I feel so tired. However, the reality is that all this has been chugging through my mind, I have been processing and dealing with things subconsciously as well as consciously. That has to be draining in some sense.

In planning for returning to school I can see that one thing I need to build in is that processing time. If I can find somewhere quite to retreat to in the school day, somewhere where I can do some focusing on the breath, some short meditation, I can see the value of that. So that has to be one point for discussion during the meeting - even though it seems unachievable at the moment. But at least I can see the hoops I have to jump through, and I am optimistic enough to hope that there is a reward at the end.