Bad day here. Big row. Not coping at all with it. All the old impulses and thoughts have returned with a strong desire to do something about them. I promised not to but that promise is very hard to keep right now.
I can't post about it here. But it's the accusations, the fact that when I try to say something he throws it all back as my fault. He accused me and I said I was sorry it had felt that way but that wasn't how I intended it, or that I was sorry I had not expressed myself helpfully. He brought up accusations from 10 - 20 years ago, accusations I dispute anyway, about me not doing anything around the house then, him doing it all.
I don't want to be here. I want to run. I want...
I can't, but I want...
And I don't know what to do. I have tried my phone support but none are available.
I'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.
Blogs I read
- A Fortunate Man
- A Long Walk to Forever
- Awareness
- Dare to Dream
- Fighting the Urge
- Frolicking Through Llife
- Good in parts
- I'm a Medical Student...
- Lake Cocytus
- Mandy
- Marcella
- Medicines, Animals and a Dream
- Mental nurse
- Mouse
- Nearly time
- Neenaw
- One Pedestrian Away
- Pip
- Pole to Polar
- Police Inspector Blog
- Rainbow Dreams
- Random Acts of Reality
- Rufus May
- Schizophrenia - a Carer's Story
- Seratonin
- The fight for Mrs Carr
- The muddled marketplace
- There and Back
- Traumaqueen
- Useless CPN
5 comments:
Virtual hug - and sorry things are bad.
Oh flip.
Hugs.
But TRUTH arrives for you how?
This may... or may not... help. (And please ignore me totally if I'm talking rubbish)
I've not walked in your shoes,
but I collected some songs...
...that at times like this
are played
(LOUDLY!)
with ear phones.
And God Bless the lot of 'em until I calm down again!
Mine are songs with words that speak "Truth Rit Large".
Words that no one can take from me.
They could argue, but the power of the words...
combined with the music...
...just bulldoze my faltering thoughts aside;
shake me and throw me,
pull me back onto the dance floor of life.
They encourage me to laugh and smile...in spite of myself!
Who knows what your songs would be?
My best ones are on cassettes so I also have to tolerate the kids saying
"What on earth is THAT?"
as they see the walkmann cassette player coming out!
Hey,
hope today is better,
hope the sun is shining on you,
hope you find your faltering dancing steps soon.
And the others?
God Bless 'em!
Thanks Marcella.
mmp I hear you but can't access this right now - it's all too bad. but thanks for the suggestions. When (if) I climb out of survival mode I'll think about making a compilation as you suggest. The truths I was told today are too loud and painful to be drowned just now.
thinking of you. and sending hugs..even when i'm not blogging or commenting...
know you are held, always, andthat the irrirs we look at ourselves in are generally ill informed and distorted
Thank you Caroline.
Trouble is, I'm wondering if the mirrors are right. I think I have to behave as if they are, but to do that I have to come to terms with the me they show - I don't like her very much.
I don't want to go and see my psychologist tomorrow. I just want to hide - or disappear.
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