The meeting with the Occupational Health nurse was very helpful, very positive, very reassuring.
She was concerned about many of the things I told her. Her main point seemed to be that yes, I may have biological and behavioural tendencies to depression / anxiety / stress but that does not absolve school from a responsibility to act with due regard for my health, and that so far there are many areas in which they have not done this. She also stressed that I should not even be thinking about returning to work after Easter, because that is too far ahead. At the moment, she said, I need to be focusing on today - not yesterday, not tomorrow, just today.That's hard for me with my current control issues and feels like yet another thing I need to work on, to change, but I am trying to take it on board.
I had a massage which was good. Lots of tension there for Debra to work on, but it felt good to lie there and have her do it.
Then I went and bought myself some wool - found some real bargains and I reckon I have enough to keep me going for some time. I am a quilter, but at the moment I can't quilt, because my confidence in my creativity is nil. I can't make the decisions I need to make to work on my current project - it is too stressful. But knitting (which has been a long-abandoned interest) is easy - choose the wool and then follow the pattern! So now I have a bag of wools and needles, patterns for gloves and scarves, and time to combine them. Plus I told my daughters aobut this bargain source of wool and they both said they would really like a knitted blanket each, for cuddling in front of the TV. That feels manageable and fun - squares in some of the funky fluffloy wools, sewn together. SO my next trip to town (on thursday) will include a stop at this shop to buy a selection of wools, and then over the next .... months I will make squares. I have told them I might manage it for Christmas!
I also managed to go in to school today. I had to pick my daughters up after younger daughter had been to the after school choir. That meant I had to go in to school. Scary. Fortunately I ran in to a friend while talking to elder daughter and we ended up sitting talking in the staff room for a while, which was OK. The head came in (very scary!) but he was fine, just said hello in a tone which suggested he was pleased to see me. Deputy head came in and talked for a few minutes. Next week is the school play, which younger daughter is in and for which I have helped to sort out costumes. I want to see it, but do not want to talk to parents or students. Fortunately I can slip in at the back after the start and disappear before the end.
Had an argument with younger daughter at the end of the day. She had sounded off to me about aspects of school; then I thought we were all having a pleasant jokey time in the car but she took it as getting at her. I snapped at her. Sometimes it is just too much. Came home, have had valium and cider and am more or less coping. OK, coping may be putting it a bit strongly right now. What i am doing is avoiding. :(
Back to that "I should be able to cope" feeling....
Have booked in a trip just for me - to Kent on Wednesday to do some genealogy. Hope I am not trying to do too much but, despite the driving, it feels more manageable than going to the crowds of London, and I really want to do it. But am I being selfish, lazy? I don't know.
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3 comments:
No, No, NO! (sorry to shout ;-) )
Of course it's not being selfish/lazy to do something that you want to do, that might make you feel a bit better. It's great!
So is the knitting. And as for the Occupational Health nurse, she sounds like really good news.
I'm sorry about the downs of the day, but they are bound to happen. Coping will come in time...just being with the situation is probably more than enough for now.
Keep on keeping on as best you can, be kind to yourself, and let God and your friends do the rest.
knitting sounds great, as does the plan to go somewhere and do something that you feel you can both manage AND enjoy. It sounds like you have managed a load of things in the past couple of days, feeling safe and welcome in the school especially.
try to be kind and gentle with yourself - if you plan or promise to do something and it doesn't work out, or it's too difficult to manage that's OK, it really is, i'm slowly learning, for me, that being in control is as much about saying 'i don't have to amnage this' as about carrying on regardless or beating myself up for 'failing'. so be gentleand know that god, friends and virtual strangers are holding you tight
Thanks for the reassurance both of you.
I like the tip about allowing myself not to manage. I'd like to get there, instead of trying to be as perfect as some distorted part of me believes everyone wants me to be.
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