Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Long gaps..

... between my postings... I feel somewhat shy of posting here lately. no idea why.

... between T sessions. J is away on holiday. She's entitled! But I am finding it hard. I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode. I recognise that I am irritable, tired, short-fused and tearful - and feel pathetic that I need someone so much. A large part of the problem is that I haven't had that one hour space each week where I can let things out. I am getting into the "deep stuff", have just started really opening up about some things - and they are festering inside me while I can't let them out in little parts. There is nobody else I can talk to about some of what happened. Nobody. It would be unfair, it is too shameful, there is nobody else I trust enough, and there is no time...

I don't know how to release the pressure. Something might happen.


Kathryn said...

Just wanted to say that though the time thing is an undeniable issue, there's nothing so shameful that God (either directly or via a priest, if there are any with whom you'd feel safe sharing)couldn't deal with hearing it...You are loved as you are...and God longs for you to be free and whole.
Prayers while you wait for J's return.

Disillusioned said...

Thank you Kathryn.
I can't even do that.
It goes too deep and is too too scary to look at.

I think I am very close to falling apart again right now, and there seems nothing I can do - none of the things I have tried are halting the slide. Prayers very welcome but it is entirely possible this one is hopeless.

Kathryn said...

Nothing is hopeless...If you feel things are spiralling out of control, speak to someone...Were you left with any sort of safety net while J is away? A phone number? If nothing else, try writing down the stuff that is most insistent for youv- that can sometimes help to prevent it from exploding in your head. Then shred, press delete or whatever. It won't be GONE but it's immediate tyranny might be reduced.
You are of infinite value, and there is nothing that has happened that can diminish that.

Disillusioned said...

No safety net except emails which she will pick up on her return. I have her mobile no but have no intention of using it while she is on holiday - no mention was made of doing so.

I am at a stage where I dare not even put into words the things buzzing round - not in any way, not even to write and delete/shred.