Thursday, 11 September 2008


I saw her tonight. It's been two weeks since I saw her, and I am aware of the improvement in those two weeks. We talked a bit about why:
Return to work. Yes, I know it is bizarre, but I do (when I am well) love my work, and I get a huge amount from it (most of the time!) I'm certainly getting a lot from it at the moment. Mind you, I'm putting a lot in too! I love my new role too, supporting other colleagues in other schools for one day each week.
Increasing my meds. Very reluctantly! I'm still on only one antidepressant (Trazadone) and on what I see as my "medium" dose. I have reserves still available - I can increase the Trazadone to 300mg (though I would be reluctant to do so because of the side effects). I can also add in the Escitalopram if I need to. I'm still on the Zopiclone for sleep; I tried without last night and had a bad night, so tonight I will take it again. I'm aiming now for alternate nights. I need my sleep if I am to continue to cope, because if my sleep goes wonky it is a steep and slippery slope to not coping.
Seeing J, my new counsellor. There are lots of aspects to this one. The first is that she is so good. The second that she is so right for me. In many ways she reminds me of D, who had such compassion and acceptance for me. She is also there for as long as I need to see her - and that makes such a difference. For so long it feels like any therapy has been dominated by its ending. This is not, which allows me to focus fully on the process of healing, not of fearing what is to come.
Dr M's support. Just knowing that she is there, that I can see her regularly, and that she has such a gentle willingness to appreciate where I am. That helps so much.

So, it's all good, and it was very nice to see her on such a positive note. It felt a bit fraudulent to ask for another appointment in three weeks time - but it does help to know i have that appointment, it prevents a lot of the panic.


Lareve said...

Glad to hear you are getting positive support. I got call from GP earlier saying she had got sick note ready and just asking how I was and hoping things are better. Not sure they really are, but nice to have GP who seems to care and is approachable, sadly my GP is retiring next year, but at least will have her support until then.

marcella said...

So glad your GP is good. Mine is caring too and I was actually very fond of the "three minutes and that's your lot" guy I saw last year. They're an interesting lot to work for, but the British GP is a national institution that should be cherished NOT subject to the kind of management that staff in mental health care trusts are.

Disillusioned said...

Thank you lareve. Glad your GP is being supportive of you. Maybe she can recommend someone else within the practice who you could see after she retires?

Marcella - I completely agree!

Silvawingz said...

I think a good GP has to be a good listener and a good doc - We are lucky with some aspects of the NHS. It still is pretty rubbish at a lot of things though, I think it's the system itself rather than the people. Of course you could argue that the people are responsible for the system but it's hard to change a monolith.

Disillusioned said...

Silva, I think the way that the NHS is managed in many areas causes the problems.

Rainbow dreams said...

that is so all respects, xx