I saw her tonight. It's been two weeks since I saw her, and I am aware of the improvement in those two weeks. We talked a bit about why:
Return to work. Yes, I know it is bizarre, but I do (when I am well) love my work, and I get a huge amount from it (most of the time!) I'm certainly getting a lot from it at the moment. Mind you, I'm putting a lot in too! I love my new role too, supporting other colleagues in other schools for one day each week.
Increasing my meds. Very reluctantly! I'm still on only one antidepressant (Trazadone) and on what I see as my "medium" dose. I have reserves still available - I can increase the Trazadone to 300mg (though I would be reluctant to do so because of the side effects). I can also add in the Escitalopram if I need to. I'm still on the Zopiclone for sleep; I tried without last night and had a bad night, so tonight I will take it again. I'm aiming now for alternate nights. I need my sleep if I am to continue to cope, because if my sleep goes wonky it is a steep and slippery slope to not coping.
Seeing J, my new counsellor. There are lots of aspects to this one. The first is that she is so good. The second that she is so right for me. In many ways she reminds me of D, who had such compassion and acceptance for me. She is also there for as long as I need to see her - and that makes such a difference. For so long it feels like any therapy has been dominated by its ending. This is not, which allows me to focus fully on the process of healing, not of fearing what is to come.
Dr M's support. Just knowing that she is there, that I can see her regularly, and that she has such a gentle willingness to appreciate where I am. That helps so much.
So, it's all good, and it was very nice to see her on such a positive note. It felt a bit fraudulent to ask for another appointment in three weeks time - but it does help to know i have that appointment, it prevents a lot of the panic.