Thursday, 24 July 2008

A post by the awesome Seaneen made me think further (think? Me? Hell no!) So here are my muddled and alcohol and drug influenced thoughts....

Sometimes I just feel crap. Sometimes I just want people to hear that. I don’t want you to cheer me up. I just want you to understand that sometimes my life feels crap. It might not even mean that I am entering a full blown crisis - just that, on that day, at that time. life feels crap. I know it is not as crap as your life. I know it is not as crap as some other people's lives. I know that and I am sorry for my self-obsessed self pity. But sometimes this feels crap. OK? If not, please move on, nothing to see here.

I suspect any of us with a mental illness are seen by many of those without a mental illness as basically irresponsible. I mean, it must be our fault, right? If we only looked after ourselves properly / took all our meds all the time / thought positively / did everything we should, we wouldn’t even be ill. Ever. We’d just be wafting along on a wave of positive fluffiness somewhere. Always.
From this comment I do absolve many of you - please understand that i am speaking through a haze of self pity, self obsession and self-induced melancholia. It is all my fault. mea culpa. And many of you do *get* this - and are able to sit alongside me - for which I am more grateful than I can express at this precise moment in time. Believe me, it's a bad moment, and making this post is a very positive alternative to some of the other things I have contemplated doing tonight. So if you are one of those who has listened to my melancholy wafflings and not told me to shut up, I am more grateful than I am currently in a mental position to express.

“The chances of work sending you a “get well soon” card if you’ve just been dropkicked into psychosis are slim. ”
Hah! The chances of someone acknowledging you are “reallly” ill if you have a mental health complaint are next to none. See above comment. Especially at work.
Seanne's comparison to cancer is frighteningly apt. The month after I returned from 3 moths off work with depression, a colleague was off ill with cancer. Her cancer was (very fortunately) highly curable. She received more contacts in a week than I received in three months. She's almost certainly a much nicer person than I am. But it hurt, all the same. Because, in all honesty, I was in as much mortal danger as she was. Probably more.

It sucks.

It all sucks.

Here endeth today's self pity post.

But bear with me.

It's been one hell of a day.

(Wanna swap places? Please? Pretty please?)


werehorse said...

One of the best things anyone ever said to me was "where you are right now is really crap". Not "do this/think this/take this/work a bit harder and then you'll feel better" but just "yes, it's crap". I get so tired of all the advice sometimes, as though it really were that simple and if you'd only follow it you would be magically better.

Going through flashbacks and dealing with abuse issues is especially crap. I hope you get some support soon.

Mary said...

I agree with werehorse, I sometimes get so tired of advice from people, telling us that you will survive, that you got through it. well when your still going through it the advice is useless. How are we suppose to snap out of it just like that? take care...Mary

Disillusioned said...

Thank you werehorse and mary. I don't think any help is coming "soon" in terms of addressing the issues. I'm not even convinced it will come, but I keep on hoping it will. Sorry you "get" what it is like, but thanks for the encouragement that I am not alone in what I am feeling.

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Thanks for sharing Seanan's posting. How relevant it is.

That bit about not necessarily wanting all the answers or some miraculous cure (although at times that would be great) but an acknowledgment that the here and now is pants.

As you know my yesterday was horrific and I say a big thanks to you and other people who have stuck by me for sticking by me. High, low or whatever.


Rainbow dreams said...

Hi, am here and sitting with you....can't think of what else to do but I'm here, xx

Silva said...

A very good post - I have read other posts in your blog - i know it doesn't help but I do understand how you feel - honestly I do

Disillusioned said...

Thank you all.

Here's to getting a break soon - for all of us!

Jessica said...

Hi, I'm here with you. Totally understand how you feel.. sometimes I wished I had something "real" instead that quantify as being sick instead of hiding it like it's such a taboo.

Just being with you.Hugs.