Not a good day.
Work was really hard. I feel ignored, isolated, irrelevant, invisible. I can recognise that some of this is my sensitivity at the moment, but a lot of it is other people's lack of sensitivity and lack of compassion. Hardly anyone is talking to me at work. And I can't make the first steps any more. Not at the moment. I feel abandoned there. I tried to explain it to my line manager but he basically said it was down to me - that I am being over sensitive, that i am not making the effort. He told me I was being "harsh" when I said I felt I was not being treated with compassion.
Had a therapy appointment this evening. I had bottled it all up (it was after the session that i talked to my line manager). I fell apart in therapy. Dissociation. Intense fear. I lost myself on the way out of the hospital. I had flashbacks during the session and was so so scared.
I've remembered things i don't want to have happened and it has made me feel so worthless. It's all adding together. It all makes sense of things that made no sense, but at the same time what I am remembering makes no sense.
D told me she did not feel I was in a fit state to be at work tomorrow. I have phoned and said I will not be in. No sympathy, no support from work. Just asked if i have someone to talk to. D has said she will ask C (my CMHN) to phone me tomorrow.
And I know I am self sabotaging in so so many ways. It's odd - I am contributing to my own downfall. I don't understand it. On the one hand I am trying to self-nurture, to keep myself grounded - while on the other I have stopped one antidepressant (and am seriously considering stopping the other) am relying on Valium and alcohol to get through. I am isolating myself - I know it, but it is easier to isolate myself than to actively reach out when I am afraid of being rejected. I did try last week, but received rebuffs and was ignored. I can't keep doing that.
And I am finding it hard to be sure what is reality and what is not.
And I don't really want to be present. I would rather float away, let the littles take charge.
It's all starting to look very messy and very scary. There's a feeling that if i really wanted to I could pull myself together and make it all OK - but i know that underneath any pretences, it isn't OK. Nothing is OK any more. Foundations have been shaken and are crumbling. I don't trust myself, my memories, my feelings, my relationships.