Monday, 17 March 2008

Falling

Not a good day.

Work was really hard. I feel ignored, isolated, irrelevant, invisible. I can recognise that some of this is my sensitivity at the moment, but a lot of it is other people's lack of sensitivity and lack of compassion. Hardly anyone is talking to me at work. And I can't make the first steps any more. Not at the moment. I feel abandoned there. I tried to explain it to my line manager but he basically said it was down to me - that I am being over sensitive, that i am not making the effort. He told me I was being "harsh" when I said I felt I was not being treated with compassion.

Had a therapy appointment this evening. I had bottled it all up (it was after the session that i talked to my line manager). I fell apart in therapy. Dissociation. Intense fear. I lost myself on the way out of the hospital. I had flashbacks during the session and was so so scared.

I've remembered things i don't want to have happened and it has made me feel so worthless. It's all adding together. It all makes sense of things that made no sense, but at the same time what I am remembering makes no sense.

D told me she did not feel I was in a fit state to be at work tomorrow. I have phoned and said I will not be in. No sympathy, no support from work. Just asked if i have someone to talk to. D has said she will ask C (my CMHN) to phone me tomorrow.

And I know I am self sabotaging in so so many ways. It's odd - I am contributing to my own downfall. I don't understand it. On the one hand I am trying to self-nurture, to keep myself grounded - while on the other I have stopped one antidepressant (and am seriously considering stopping the other) am relying on Valium and alcohol to get through. I am isolating myself - I know it, but it is easier to isolate myself than to actively reach out when I am afraid of being rejected. I did try last week, but received rebuffs and was ignored. I can't keep doing that.

And I am finding it hard to be sure what is reality and what is not.

And I don't really want to be present. I would rather float away, let the littles take charge.

It's all starting to look very messy and very scary. There's a feeling that if i really wanted to I could pull myself together and make it all OK - but i know that underneath any pretences, it isn't OK. Nothing is OK any more. Foundations have been shaken and are crumbling. I don't trust myself, my memories, my feelings, my relationships.

4 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Caroline, I've turned the other computer off so can't e mail right now..
Can I suggest that while you're having such a tough time you should not be changing your medication around... some things are stable in your life, even if they are small, and those things are important...

Try and keep safe, am pleased you're not working tomorrow - that is good. C will phone you I hope and that is good too.
Is D there to help you with the flash backs and memories?
One step, one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to..

am thinking of you and when I am home tomorrow I will e mail, Katie, x

marcella said...

thinking of you at this tough time. Hoping today brings a little rest.

Kathryn said...

If you feel yourself falling, there are arms waiting to catch you. Your candle burned till bedtime last night and I'm taking you with me in my prayers throughout this intensely prayerful week. Blessings

Jessica said...

Hi,
I really really understand how you are feeling right now.

The feeling of loneliness, intense fear and emptiness and the thoughts that there are no support and no sympathy from co-workers or people you wanted to trust at work. I seriously wanted to think they care or that I meant something to them. And when they reject me and treated me badly, I feel my insides crumpled.

I just want you to know that I know your pain and that I'm praying for you.

Have a good rest and hang in there. Please do not stop taking your anti-depressants.

Hugs.