Thursday, 14 February 2008


I've made some progress in completing them - now have 4 of 7 sets completed. One more set I am ready to start and aim to complete today. One set I think I can do tomorrow, but need to look at the latest piece of written work from the class. One set I won't meet the deadline on - I left some essential work (which I need to assess before I can write the reports) at school. The amazing thing about that is, I am OK with missing a deadline. I am not beating myself up over it. That's a big step for me. I talked with W about it this morning, and said maybe sometimes I need to not get everything done I am supposed to - because it sends out a signal that what is being asked is too much.

Then I need to tackle some marking, and plan a new Year 8 ICT unit. Am looking forward to the latter - I need to do quite a bit of work on it, but I am the only one who teaches it, and I have some plans to approach the way I teach it in a different way. In discussions with some of my more able students, they brought up the idea of working more independently - so that is what I hope to allow them to do this time, bu providing written instructions so they can go ahead without waiting for me to explain it to students who don't pick things up as quickly. I'm also going to experiment, just for this unit (or maybe even only for part of it) with seating students by ability. Our ICT room doesn't lend itself to group working, but maybe I can do something to make it more possible. We shall see how it works out.

Have managed so far this half term without using sleeping tablets. My sleep has been quite disturbed, however, so I may well need to resort to them on an occasional basis once term restarts.


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Sounds like you are keeping things and more importantly yourself together really well.

What you wrote about not meeting deadlines, or more so constant incoming demands, is quite important for all, not just those of us with MH problems. As in modern work environments are high demand situations. It is not just a case of needing to multi task as to prioritise and also to say "Nah, just haven't got the time". Okay I have been out of this particular food chain for a few years but not so long as to forget that those that are willing and able are truly dumped on. the stubborn plodders along with the dead wood are carried by those willing to cover their arses (usually those, and I put myself in that camp, who think that doing everything that is asked of them..or is left by those who should be doing it... makes for a happy ship).

No, what it makes for is nervous breakdowns and the ship will carry on, when those of us who have had breakdowns are no longer on it. Proof that everyone is either replacable or someone else gets dumped on in their place.

I think you seem to have the right approach for you. Because you have a perfectionist element to you and although that makes for great quality also means you can be on a hiding to nothing with yourself (let alone anyone else). If you know that by letting a deadline go, for now, you can get work done to the level it needs to be done and if there is time later, to get back to it... then let it be and if there is no time to get it done..well so be it..., after all you are on a half term break.

I could tell you a story about taking work home and spending an entire weekend on it because I was deemed the only person able to do it. More like the only muppet willing to. Whilst those on much higher salaries had their weekends to themselves and waited around on my report. Well, have told it without more boring details. It is a story of missing links and the one on the bottom of the rung doing all the work. So, I want you to have as much of your half term to yourself and doing things for pleasure as is possible.

And well done for not taking a sleeping tabby yet but I won't judge you if you feel the need to use them. It is your call. I am in a similar situation with sedatives. As in I try not to use them and won't if I don't need them. But sadly, lately, the need has been stronger than a desire to handle things without. None of us are perfect all we can do is the best we can, in the here and now.

Take care :>)

Disillusioned said...

Thanks Mandy.

for all it has been a fairly "successful" day today, tonight my spirits are flagging somewhat. It is such an effort continually fighting the self doubt, knowing I "should" be able to but constantly lacking the self belief which would hold me firm in the belief that this time things will be OK, I will not be abandoned just as things start to come together, I will be able to spot any warning signs and deal with them.

Self nurturing in a big way is probably needed tomorrow. Part of this is to do with the holidays drawing to a close, I am sure, part due to the amount I have managed to get through today (perverse, isn't it, that success makes me doubt myself?)

Ah well. tomorrow is another day. And I might just allow myself the luxury of a sleeping tablet tonight - if I can do so without feeling guilty, that is.

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

You know what D,

I have had this thing..this gnawing thing about cognitive behaviour going round inside me today.

It really is a big beef for me. Not that I don't think that thinking is important. And surely that is what cognitive means..pertaining to thoughts. If not, I would like to be corrected because it is relevant in direction of this.

Why I am chundling is because I find it necessary to acknowledge the role feelings have. And although they come from the brain too...they seem more inherant, deeper than the consious thoughts I have. that is why I have such difficulty with myself.

Is like my feelings are in one part of me and my logic is somewhere else. And as sensible as my logic is...when the you know what hits the fan my feelings dominate the equation. And they are like some primeval power that knows no bounds.

Maybe that is why cognitive behavioural therapy never worked for me. Because my logic can be sayign all sorts of things but my feelings don't follow the same laws.

I also feel that professionals use cognitive behavioural therapy to disconnect people from their feelings (like disassociation) rather than allowing them to understand them. Like some 2 tier system where logic is everything and feelings are irrelevant but that is just me. That is how I view the function of the functional therapies.

And I think I might be a bit high because I am writing lots and although it is mostly making sens...well, to me, at present am concerned it may not to others and certainly it could veer towards manic ventings which end up in riddles.

So am going to stop now. Put on some music and do some dancing. When the brain starts overworking is time to get funky.

Hope you get a gentle sleep with or without tab.

Bye for now

Disillusioned said...

Hi Mandy

I have similar feelings about CBT. It almost hit the spot but never quite, you know? Sometimes it helps - but then it all evaporates. I think, like you, that is partly because to engage in CBT fully it seems to be a requirement that you disconnect from some essence of yourself. And it is interesting to me that you link that to dissociation, because dissociation is a major issue for me in periods of stress (something I need to look at with D I suspect). I agree with you about the inherent difficulty with dismissing feelings. I struggled with this when our school "bought in" to protective behaviours. One of the core beliefs of that seems to be that feelings are only feelings - it's behaviour which matters. Well, I go along with that to an extent, but, like you, I believe feelings are an important part of who and what I am. I guess CBT woud counter your assertion that feelings dominate with the assertion that we can control our feelings. But you know what - sometimes I can't. Which is, I guess, why I like Mindfulness based CBT - because that seems to place an equal emphasis on accepting feelings, living with them, accepting their validity and importance but continuing to function however overpowering the feelings seem to be. I know so well the sense of feelings not following logic. It doesn't matter how logical the explanation of what I should be thinking is, sometimes it just isn't what I feel. And feelings take precedence. So having some facility to accept my feelings for what they are, and learning to live with them, really has helped.

You make sense (well, to me anyway!) And I agree with what you say. but, if you can, see if you can get hold of a book on mindfulness. The Mindful Way Through Depression is great - but I'm not sure htey have it in Bedfordshire libraries yet (might be worth requesting just in case.) But there are some other books in the library system on Mindfulness - see if you can get hold of some and let me know what you think.

C (struggling a bit tonight!)

PS - have negotiated with W that I will take a sleeping tab tonight - think the lack of sleep is getting to me today. He will get up to deal with the possible early arrival of our dishwasher.

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi D,

Am glad that you made sense out of what I typed. Actually, in my worst states, in hospital, staff often said that I was sound as a pound and apart from the strange behaviours my logic was spot on. Not always though because my neurosis could be a frustration for all. DOH! They did spend a fair amount of time talking about my behaviours and actually often all I wanted to do was cry or dance or draw or walk about in a safe environment. I confess to being more child than anything else and that child has a strong desire to be.

And whatever the world view of mental can be an astute loony because I am one. Think you are too.

Also glad that you relate to the problems with certain cognitive therapies. I would often sit there, listening to the therapist going "Yep, I get that but that won't stop the intensity of the feelings".

And behaviour (in clinical terms) is often more to do with how others perceive what you are doing...rather than what is going on inside of you. Behaviour seems to be about externalisation/image...and cognitive behavioural therapy is about modification of that. Another reason I struggle with it because it is more to do with image than what a person, or who a person, actually is. Is like you have to kill or ignore parts of yourself in order to be seen as 'acceptable'. Again, personal view but I don't want to be modified so everyone else is okay with me. Maybe modifying myself because that suits me would be better. Or mabye it isn't about modification at all but about allowing parts of the self to be.Hmmm....think I need to talk to my care co-ordinator about that because I really want to discuss it (maybe explore it) more than be in some kind of formal therapy to rid myself of it.

For now, I hope you are sleeping soundly and that gives you respite and that you wake tomorrow and feel able to do what you want and need.

Disillusioned said...

Agree with the concept of "astute loonies"!

Look into Mindfulness if you get the chance. I think you would like it.

Am currently battling with the home computer which seems to have picked up a trojan / virus / something. Ugh! Currently running a stinger on it. And this with fully up to date virus protection etc. At least I have the work laptop, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to get on the net (which is necessary to fix the problem). Ho hum - think it will probably take me most of the day to sort this one out.