Yes, I am disillusioned. I do feel alone. I do want to give up but I also know how very badly I need resolution on this. I just don't want another meeting. I just want them to do what was promised, honestly. It feels like someone is preventing that from happening. It feels like someone is saying, "No, we can't say sorry. We can't admit that we got it wrong. We have to cover ourselves, save face. " But I don't get it. Really, I just don't get it. How can so many promises be made, in writing, about what would be looked at and explained - and then so many of them not even mentioned?
So who cares if one "sevice user" is falling apart because of their refusal to say sorry and admit they made mistakes? Nobody, it seems to me. Time after time after time the most I get is, effectively, "You are wrong." Face to face, people accept that this has been a dreadful mess, that mistakes have been made. But when it comes to putting those words on paper, it doesn't happen. For the life of me I cannot understand why. Trying to is pulling me to pieces. If only someone would explain it, explain why the promises from the minutes of that meeting, which felt like such a step forward, could not be translated into the apology I need, into the full investigation I need, into the acceptance that mistakes were made. Can't they see that this is what would make the difference to me, this is what would counter all the horrible things BLPT as an organisation has recorded about and against me?
They have said that I was derogatory, that I made personal comments, that it was fine for the person I complained about to investigate the complaint against herself.
They have said I didn't get any care because there wasn't anyone; because they didn't want me to become dependant; because (and this is the one which really hurts) "you have been given all the skills you need to cope with any situations".
They have said, in writing, that no matter how many times I come back with my complaint, the answer will remain the same." Largely, that seems to be true.
They have said that I have to wait for responses - I do, and time after time the things they promise to address are ignored.
And yet, and yet, I believe some of the people who I have spoken to have really meant it when they have said that what I have experienced is wrong, that things will be examined, that apologies will be given. I believed them because I believed (and still do) that they meant it. So what is happening within BLPT to make it impossible for them to carry through on (often written) promises?
I have issues - big ones - with broken promises. I have issues - big ones - with silence used as a weapon. I have big issues with being told things are my fault when I cannot see how they are. I cannot see how they are my fault, but I carry on believing the people who tell me they are. Because they must be right, mustn't they. And there must be something wrong with me for all these promises to be made and broken. But I still can't understand it. I really want to, need to, am trying to. But I can't.
I'm getting the message that it is all up to me - that i have to want to resolve this. I do. But I can't do it the way they are asking me to, because i have already tried that way and it didn't work - it has left me worse off, not better off. It has caused me more pain, through lack of communication and broken promises.
To quote Dana:
"excuse me, but what a fucking mess!"
And I'm the one sitting in it.