Taking control

Not of my emotions, though I am working on it, but of other stuff. Have finally (this morning) got round to a job I have been meaning to do since Easter. Yes, I have painted ALL of the fences round our garden, and the play house, and am about to tackle the swing seat. I recommend those pressure operated spray systems - I was lent one by a friend and it enabled me to to the whole job so much more quickly. Mind you, it was considerably more messy too!

I've been trying to tackle my anxiety with mindfulness but finding it hard work. Seems to me there is a kind of pattern though - something triggers me (there have been three major triggers this week, for example) and I have a day where I feel unable to cope. Then I pull myself back together, gradually. That (even I can see it) is improvement; a few months ago one of these triggers would have resulted in a full blown spiral into depression. As those of you who commented on my last entry reminded me, I have actually had quite a bit to deal with this week (timing is everything) - perhaps I should take some pride in the fact that I am still more or less standing.

At the same time, there is truth in what my GP said about me needing to see myself as a strong person, not a weak one. Perhaps that is partly what the complaint business is about for me - showing myself that I can be strong in standing up for myself, even though I am stumbling a bit on the initial steps. Most of the time recently I do feel capable and strong - but these triggers take me right back to my fearful child, and I need time and reminders to put on my adult persona again. I hope it will not always be so and that i will be able to find ways to intercept the triggers before little caroline starts feeling so scared.

In the meantime, it's back to the rebuilding stage, using the tools, coping with what is now and trying not to focus on what may be around the corner. Because, to be honest, what is now is quite enough to deal with - no car, planning to do for school, and a house that still needs a lot of input.