It's tough today - anxiety is running rife. Too many pressures all at once I think. the complaint, the car, Will's interview... I saw my GP this morning and he wants me to use valium again, at the higher dose, and to see him in a week. He tried to persuade me to drop the complaint, that I won't get an apology, that CMHT are underfunded. He told me I need to be strong, to see myself as strong, not to rely on other people for support. That hurt, especially from him. I know he meant it for the best - I guess it just triggered all kinds of stuff.
He sent me home to take valium and to go for a swim. Have done the first but am going to focus on housework for a bit - if I can make the house look better that will make me feel better, as it adds one element of control. Then I will tackle some work as well - another thing I can control. As he said, I will feel a lot better once I have the car back on the drive. I think it's just too many uncertainties all at once and having the decisions I have made (re the complaint) questioned just made it harder. The constant anxiety has been draining me too.
5 comments:
it all sounds really tough - have to say I thought you had your head screwed on straight over the complaint and were being realistic in what to expect or not from taking it further .. just something you felt you wanted / needed to do - imagine your gp is trying to protect you from lots of added stress and stirring up a hornets nest... not necessarily a bad thing as long as you have your eyes open at the start.. which I thought you did...
It sounds about right to put yourself back in control of some things, even if it is tidying the house - it always feels better...
it'll sort somehow - it always does.. hugs and love
Katie
xx
Thanks Katie. I thought I had my head screwed on straight over it all too - but it all seems to have fallen apart today. I think my GP's concern is more about reducing my stress than the stirring up - though I also got the impression that he is on the "inside" and his support of my complaint is not 100%... trouble is, the perspective from the inside is very black and white - it's much more grey on the outside, I think, and those of us on the outside are a lot more powerless and a lot less listened to. I suppose I have an idealistic wish to make a difference - or at least to try to make a difference, to know I have done as much as I can.
Who knows, maybe I will reach the end of what i can do sooner than I planned. Have to say that until I started talking to GP about it, the complaint was not on my mind - I'm much more wound up about the possibility of a move and the problems of the car.
Hey.... being wound up about a dying car and a possible move is entirely and utterly normal.
+ you've just experienced a bit of an emotional kick in the teeth.
Think your idea about gaining control in an area you can is a fab one though.
Here's to another day of success in some areas of your choosing!
Oh, and to you I owe the fact that THIS year I finally popped a new zip in my 60s bathrobe. Ten yrs after it broke!
Who knows how many other people you have positive influence over?
Your GP undoubtedly IS looking at things from the inside, although speaking as someone who is doing the same it may not be that less stressful a position to be in. It may be that he has already tried influencing things and has failed -many GPs round here have done and are pretty cut up about it, working as they do from a position which USUALLY gives them a lot of power, but is in fact of little use when it comes to Mental Health Trusts.
Perhaps he's projecting his own feelings about dealing with the Trust onto your case?
As an outsider I would have thought that the near death of a car and the possibility of a move (said to be one of the most stressful things anyone can do) would be much more anxiety provoking than acting on the complaint which might even prove to be help others as well as yourself, but I can see his point about limiting the stressors and the complaint is something you can choose to persue or not whereas the other things are out of your control.
It sounds a very good idea to put yourself back into control with the housework and practical things you can control and to take your time to reflect on other things. Hope today has proved a bit better.
mmp, thank you for the reminder that I do have reason to feel stressed. I think those unrealistic expectations had got out again... Well done on the zuip front - I hate doing zips, though am hoping that I will learn an infallible method when I go on my next sewing course at the start of next month!
marcella, thanks for your prespective too. I think you are right about the relative difficulties of the challenges ahead and my ability to control them. I don't honestly believe that removing the issue of the complaint would help me at the moment, though - and in the long term it would be another area where I would feel that I had been walked all over.
Post a Comment