I went to Church for the first time in ages yesterday - must have slipped into the years by now. Our Church has been remodelled and redecorated so it all felt quite odd.
It was all quite a difficult experience, despite the warm welcome I was given by various members of who seemed to (a)recognise me and (b) be pleased to see me. However, given that I am not comfortable in large numbers of people, just sitting in a room with so many others caused quite a level of anxiety throughout the service. That probably was at least part of the reason that I felt very distanced throughout the service - except for the last song, where I did feel a spark of involvement, a hint of "this means me too".
I also struggled with my negative filters - I heard every comment as a criticism of myself, an indication of my faults. That was hard, even recognising that it was me and my issues, not necessarily what was being said.
Nonetheless, I made it through the service and am determined to go back again in the hope it will get easier and I will become more receptive.
I'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.
Blogs I read
- A Fortunate Man
- A Long Walk to Forever
- Awareness
- Dare to Dream
- Fighting the Urge
- Frolicking Through Llife
- Good in parts
- I'm a Medical Student...
- Lake Cocytus
- Mandy
- Marcella
- Medicines, Animals and a Dream
- Mental nurse
- Mouse
- Nearly time
- Neenaw
- One Pedestrian Away
- Pip
- Pole to Polar
- Police Inspector Blog
- Rainbow Dreams
- Random Acts of Reality
- Rufus May
- Schizophrenia - a Carer's Story
- Seratonin
- The fight for Mrs Carr
- The muddled marketplace
- There and Back
- Traumaqueen
- Useless CPN
5 comments:
You did well - though if it's hard, my guess is that God would far prefer you to do something that actually feels healing for you, rather than something that is an ordeal in itself, and on your list of "oughts".
But bravo for getting through yesterday...and prayers for a good week. Sun shine here...x
Thanks Kathryn
Your suggestion does make sense - I am, as you perceive, tied up in "shoulds" and "oughts". However, I know I can use this as an excuse and I have avoided Church for so long. I don't know what to do.
Sunshine here today - but no time to enjoy it. Maybe tomorrow.
Well done for braving it. It's important for Church communities to realise that there are all sorts of reasons why people may not enjoy formal services, but that does not mean they aren't interested in the message.
Thanks, Marcella.
Talked briefly to my pastor tonight who was reassuring about not pushing myself too much and not feeling guilty.
I can relate..........often I feel this way....and it has stopped me from attending in the past.
I attended church a couple of weeks ago all on my own, with the intentions of being anonymous and kind of invisible. I was sure how stable my emotions were going to be since I had just lost my in laws.....and wasn't able to attend my mother in law's funeral.
So........I slip into a side pew and before I know it, everyone around me stood up and introduced themselves to me PLUS i managed to sit behind a young keener summer student from my office....one of the last people I wanted to blather in front of.
From there, i just decided to try to let go the feeling of being self concious and cry if I wanted to. If someone was uncomfortable with that.......well, it was their issue, not mine.
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