I saw my GP yesterday; he was, as ever, very supportive. He told me not to even think about a date for my return to work and signed me off for the next four weeks. That was such a relief - not just the signing off but that he made the decision. If I had queried it, I am sure he would have listened, but it was more than I had hoped for.

My current state is much more stable, much calmer - but the smallest thing can trip me up and send me into despairing panic. I think I am getting better at coping with it, however, and certainly better at not worrying about things in the future. My focus is on stillness, and on resting. For once - maybe the first time in my life - I am just letting things happen and asking others to do the things which are their responsibility, then leaving them too it. It has its problems (Hubby missed the orthodontist appointment he was supposed to take younger daughter to) but I am not allowing them to become my problems that I have to solve.

The sunshine is helping me a lot and I am getting out into it as much as possible. One of the things that my GP told me to do yesterday was to get outside as much as possible. Today the sun is still rather hazey here, but if it brightens up later I might even do some more digging and barrowing! Our garden is almost all grass, save for one small bed I dug out when we moved in six years ago. I'm attempting to dig out a similar bed in another corner. The two major obstacles are that the soil is clay - and I mean clay; you can make pots from it - and that I have to get rid of the said clay after I dig it out. The solution to this is (a) only doing a little at a time and (b) taking it by wheelbarrow the quarter of a mile to the edge of the fields and dumping it under the hedges there. Given that I have intermittent problems with my back, I am trying to be careful, but I want to do it, or at least to have it done! Mind you, it's a really good combined cardio and strength training activity!