Beginnings and endings

Well, here it is. My first public post on a blog.

I'm not intending (at this stage) to tell you much about myself. The background I will give you is that I am a teacher, married with two daughters and a long-term sufferer from depression. There are lots more labels I could use to describe myself, but those are the first to come to mind.

I am intending to use this spot for musings on "life as it is now." Life as it is now is pretty uncomfortable at times, but enjoyable and interesting at others. Maybe this blog will help me to be as aware of the latter as I am of the former.

So, it's Monday. Unusually I am not at work. I've taken today off, sick - I badly need to recharge my batteries and have been falling apart at work for the last week. Optimistically, I am hoping that a day away will enable me to cope long term. We shall see. I've planned in activities to refresh and renew myself, though it seems very strange to be doing so. I'm filled with guilt about it despite the assurances of many others that this is clearly what I need to do.

Yesterday W and I went to a folk concert. I laughed and smiled - something I needed to do. The lineup included our favourite singers - Chris While and Julie Matthews - plus Chris' daughter Kellie, Helen Watson and Christine Collister. Highlights for me were the netball song - always a feel-good one, about how the past can be healed - and Chris and Kellie singing Broken Things, which nearly reduced me to tears. Above all, though, the enjoyment of all five singers was so infectious. Bought tickets for 6 more events, including Julie's solo tour and Chris and Kellie returning together in April.

I've been thinking about friends and friendships. I'd assumed I wasn't good at them, that I don't have friends, but recent events are conspiring to show me otherwise. Friends at work have been so supportive, so considerate and so appreciative of me - that has really helped in the middle of my current work stresses. I need to remember that and remember the comments that have been made. Friends at Church - where I have become a distant shadow in terms of attendance - have reminded me that they do care and want to help. I need to make a more determined effort to keep up with non-work friends in particular, which is hard to do when I see myself as worthless, but probably all the more important then, because they are showing me that I am worthwhile in their eyes. So I am going to put more effort into that side of my life, risk some rebuffs (which probably won't come, but which are a fear for me).

So that's some beginnings - this blog, and friendships. The ending part is harder to face up to - the ending of support from the psychologist I have been seeing for a year. That is very tough for me to deal with, and to allow to happen, and at the moment I am not sure I can do it. Not sure I know how to do it - I'll keep you posted on how it goes.