Thursday, 27 August 2009

Session with J

It was messy. Trying to move from seeing everything as "my fault" to a place where I can see that things happened to me is really really uncomfortable. Trying to talk about things that tie in to my inner shame - things I know I need to talk about, things on one level I want to talk about - that was really difficult. Putting things into words which, deep down, I feel I must not talk about because it exposes how shameful I am - it was terrifying, and the amount of fear I felt surprised me.

I'm trying to reposition things. Trying to take that step from "I am bad and mixed up and so bad things happened to me and really I deserved them" to "Bad things happened to me and that made me mixed up" is a hard journey. It's a move to a place where things can change, and that is good, that is the place where I want to be. But it is so difficult to take the step and look at things from a totally different perspective. Me being "wrong" is part of me; to move to a place where maybe it is not all my fault, not all my responsibility - it feels like asking me to climb into a plane knowing I am going to jump out of it at fifty thousand feet, without a parachute, and trust that those who tell me I will have a safe landing are telling the truth. It goes against everything I know to be true.

So today I tried to talk about things - and a lot of the time I failed, because it was too scary or I didn't have the words. I accepted that logically certain things are not true - but that doesn't help too much when I feel that those logical rules just don't apply to me.

I allowed some emotions to surface - and felt overwhelmed by them. All those tears are just not appropriate for a so-called adult (even if I am still an inadequate child inside). And "not appropriate" totally misses the point of all the rules I broke in crying.

And then I came home. And acted as if things are normal, as if I am normal. But inside I am broken tonight, and so very lonely.

10 comments:

marcella said...

thinking of you

marcella said...

thinking of you

Wonderingsoul said...

Here and listening to some of the loneliness and the pain that you are experiencing.
Theerapy is a long and difficult journey and i have only just begun it myself.
I identify with your acting normal whilst inside your heart is aching and broken.
Wishing you warmth and peace tonight.

Polar Bear said...

I'm sorry it's been so roughforyou, but i do think what you are trying to do is an important step to recovery and healing.

I struggle too with the notion that I am bad - and that is why bad things happen to me. More recently I had a bit of a psychotic break and thought I was being punished because I heard voices. My therapist tried to point out that it was the stress that made those things happen, not me.

Still, it is hard to accept.

Kathryn said...

I know I've not commented for months, but I do still read. And pray.

Disillusioned said...

Thank you all. Your words help me not to feel as lonely.

La-reve said...

It's always like opening up old wounds isn't it?
It's almost easier to justify our bad feelings by thinking it is us who are bad rather than bad things have been done to us.
Hope you work through it
Lareve x

Disillusioned said...

You're so right, La-Reve.

Serial said...

I'm a late arrival on this one, for which my apologies. I found your blog via your posts on Introspective's "Conversations with my Head" blog.

Just want to say I hear you. Every week with C, my psychologist, I dodge anything of this nature like bullets. It's too painful to focus on what has happened, yet it is a necessary part of recovery, I feel. It takes guts to shift from where you've been to where you need to go and the fact that you're even trying it is promising and courageous.

Good luck and thinking of you. Hugs x

Disillusioned said...

Thank you serial, and welcome here.