It was messy. Trying to move from seeing everything as "my fault" to a place where I can see that things happened to me is really really uncomfortable. Trying to talk about things that tie in to my inner shame - things I know I need to talk about, things on one level I want to talk about - that was really difficult. Putting things into words which, deep down, I feel I must not talk about because it exposes how shameful I am - it was terrifying, and the amount of fear I felt surprised me.
I'm trying to reposition things. Trying to take that step from "I am bad and mixed up and so bad things happened to me and really I deserved them" to "Bad things happened to me and that made me mixed up" is a hard journey. It's a move to a place where things can change, and that is good, that is the place where I want to be. But it is so difficult to take the step and look at things from a totally different perspective. Me being "wrong" is part of me; to move to a place where maybe it is not all my fault, not all my responsibility - it feels like asking me to climb into a plane knowing I am going to jump out of it at fifty thousand feet, without a parachute, and trust that those who tell me I will have a safe landing are telling the truth. It goes against everything I know to be true.
So today I tried to talk about things - and a lot of the time I failed, because it was too scary or I didn't have the words. I accepted that logically certain things are not true - but that doesn't help too much when I feel that those logical rules just don't apply to me.
I allowed some emotions to surface - and felt overwhelmed by them. All those tears are just not appropriate for a so-called adult (even if I am still an inadequate child inside). And "not appropriate" totally misses the point of all the rules I broke in crying.
And then I came home. And acted as if things are normal, as if I am normal. But inside I am broken tonight, and so very lonely.