Need you

Thank you for all your positive messages and encouragement recently.

This is all so hard - it is triggering so much old stuff, so much that I worked though in in sessions with D.

At times I have believed this was all down to one or two people. I don't any more. I don't believe this is all down to M or to R or to C or to Mu or to managers or directors or to any other person involved. What has happened to me is not the fault of any one person. Some may be culpable in some aspects. Some made wrong choices. But it has to be much much wider than the individuals involved. This is a systematic thing - an organisational thing - a cultural thing. This is a culture which does not seem to see service users as deserving of a voice. It's a culture which allows bad things to happen - and covers them up when they do. It is also a group which has some truly wonderful people working for it. D, my lovely new CPN, has called me for the second timetoday, this evening. She is reassuring - and challenging - and accepting of where I am, while encouraging me to step outside my flawed feelings and fears. She is concerned for me as a person. Others within the system have shown similar concern and support. But the checks and monitoring and accountability seem to be missing somewhere.

I really value you and your perspectives, prayers, good wishes and encouragement. It's helping me to be grounded, to stay here and now. even though here and now is pretty hard at times, and staying here, seeing it through, seems a very poor option at times.