Clinging on

It's been another rollercoaster day - but I have survived!

A phone call this morning brought more bad news about the car - more expense, will take longer. However, the mechanic has promised again to find me a hire car for next week.

Then I went on to a class at the gym. I enjoyed it, and during the relaxation part at the end I really relaxed - until the microphone used by the instructor made a massive crackle which shocked me into what was effectively a panic attack. I ended up crying, palpitations, the lot. It was horrible. Fortunately I had gone to the class with a friend and we walked back to her house where I had a cup of tea and calmed down.

When I got home it was to find W uncommunicative. He had had a phonecall to tell him he hadn't got the job. There's a sense of relief for the rest of us, but great sympathy for him - it has clearly dented his self confidence as well as being a massive disappointment for him. I'm trying to support (though as yet he has said he can't talk about it) without feeling it is my responsibility to make it all OK.

Then a session with my CPN. It was very useful and very wide ranging. We talked about my complaint in general terms - she wanted, I think, to be sure I was not personalising things too much. I found it surprisingly upsetting to talk about the complaint - possibly because she is connected with the organisation I am complaining about. She had brought my notes, as promised - but basically only those relating my connection with the new CMHT as the old one has not yet sent my notes on, barring three forms. I've now begun the process of formally requesting those notes through the trust. We talked about how I have handled the stresses of the last fortnight and she was very complimentary, and told me I had done all the right things in checking things out with other people, phoning CMHT for support, seeing my GP last week, adjusting my medications. That was so reassuring. I was honest about the negative coping strategies I have been using, and I think that was important - but her reaction was that I am aware of what I am doing, which is good. We also talked about how, when crisis arrives, I rapidly go into "scared child" mode. That was a difficult part of the session.

Back home - and I'm holding it together. I've helped H with her web page, helped E with her course work, tried to help W with his emotions, and planned the back to school shopping trip tomorrow. I'm intending a quiet evening, probably the last attack on school work and house work. I'm also pleased that I am managing to pursue the complaints process, and the obstreperousness of the complaints department. Their latest was to tell me yesterday that I cannot have copies of their CPA policy, their Complaints policy, or their confidentiality policy as "these are internal documents". Following consultation with the Information Commission I have written back to them to ask them to provide me with a notice of refusal giving their reasons from Section 17 of the Freedom of Information Act ... wonder how fast they will backtrack on their decision! And I have written a short piece about my experiences with BLPT - positive and negative - for their Journal of Continuing Practice, which the editor has emailed me to say he will strongly recommend in its publication in its entirety in the next copy of the journal. Now THAT feels like an achievement!