OK, I *know* you are all right, that I should be doing less. But I want to do more, not less. I want to be well, up to speed, back to normal. I don't want to be a pathetic invalid any more, fragile, needing to think about how to be well.
I'm scared I will never be well. And I am worried because my perceptions still seem to be out of line. I can't seem to get things into synch. You do know, don't you, that with all the things I did yesterday I still felt vaguely inadequate, that I hadn't really done much?
It is that perception which needs to change, so that I can do little and not feel inadequate. Oh, and there isn't much chance of laying back and letting others do the work - they don't. The laundry I sorted yesterday had been sitting waiting for three weeks - the rest of the family seemed quite happy to have to find their clean socks etc from the baskets. It often feels like nothing gets done, hosusework wise, unless I do it or organise others to do it. Quite often it is easier to do the former than the latter, though I do try.
I'm back to feeling a bit inadequate and I don't know what to do..
I'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.
Blogs I read
- A Fortunate Man
- A Long Walk to Forever
- Awareness
- Dare to Dream
- Fighting the Urge
- Frolicking Through Llife
- Good in parts
- I'm a Medical Student...
- Lake Cocytus
- Mandy
- Marcella
- Medicines, Animals and a Dream
- Mental nurse
- Mouse
- Nearly time
- Neenaw
- One Pedestrian Away
- Pip
- Pole to Polar
- Police Inspector Blog
- Rainbow Dreams
- Random Acts of Reality
- Rufus May
- Schizophrenia - a Carer's Story
- Seratonin
- The fight for Mrs Carr
- The muddled marketplace
- There and Back
- Traumaqueen
- Useless CPN
4 comments:
huge huge hug.
((((Hugs from here too))). I once slept for 36 hours straight - I rather wish I could do it again.
I guess feeling that less is enough might be something to work towards in the long run, but please don't let our expressions of amazement at the amount that you do do become another weapon with which to beat yourself...
You are doing brilliantly. I know you want to be well - and well for you includes doing so much more than it does for others, - but think how much stronger you are now than just a few weeks ago. More hugs and a prayer or two for good measure from here...and if the laundry mountain gets really out of hand, I'll come and sort it as a penance for adding inadvertently to your load ;-) xx
I understand your feelings..I have been through similar for different reasons..I have beedn scared I have 'lost' myslef and scared I would never be the same person again..in truth I am probably not the same person,,,the jourmey has changed me...but being scared you will nevr be well again is undertsnadable, because this kind of journey is one step forard, two steps back, etc...With a broken leg, you are in plaster for 6 weeks, you knoiw it will heal and you just have to patient..but you have faith it is healing..you can't feel it healing, you just have to trust..but you don;t use the leg for 6 weeks, you just rest it..when it comes to mental health, stress, emotion etc...you are still trying to function normally when those bits should be 'in plaster' resting..and people can see the broken leg, but they can;t see mental pain, which is why you havae to do the work looking after yourself....what to do about not getting practical help i don't know..I just lay down, face to the wall really, so my husband had to do stuff. but again, maybe bereavement is more 'understandable' but as a good friend, a really good friend said to em famously once, a few months after my father died and I was having a bit of a cry and telling him how something ahd upset me, 'Don't you think you should be getting over this by now?' I was shocked!!!!! Sorry of I am telling you what you already know..but what you are feeling is also part of your illness..but underneath, healing is going on, you are getting better...you just can;t know it yet...xxx
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