Endings

I'm thinking about this at the moment, as the sessions with D come to an end. In a sense one aspect of the problem has been removed by my GP referring me to the counsellor I have seen before for ongoing support. However, the difficulty I still have is in ending the relationship with D. It's not that I see him as a friend, or anything else - just that this has been such a significant and positive relationship. I have shared (and come to recognise and accept) so much of myself through talking with him.
I have also told him things about myself and my past that I have never shared with another person. It feels almost as if he is the holder of part of me, part of my secrets, my innermost self. He is a repository of those secrets - some of them quite dark. Throughout the sessions he has accepted all I have communicated without ever criticising me. All those experiences which I once believed made me an awful person, all the things which happened to me that I believed proved my unworthiness - he has given me the confidence to bring them into the open. In doing so I have come to realise that most of them are not reflections of my unworthiness or inadequacy, but of the inadequacy or failings of others. I've come to see that my childhood was not my fault. I've come to realise that it takes two to damage (or succeed at) a relationship. I'm beginning to recognise, through his comments, that I am acceptable.
To face leaving this relationship behind brings sadness as well as anxiety. In fact, the sadness is beginning to outweigh the anxiety. I know he has helped me to discover the skills to cope, and I know that there will be support for me if I need it. But this has been such an affirming relationship that it will leave a gap. It links in, on a deep level, with relationships with very significant people. He has been a compassionate voice challenging my internal condemnatory thoughts. I'm going to miss him. I know it is time to move on, but part of me longs to cling to this connection. I'm going to miss him.