I saw my GP today and shared how much better I am feeling. He could see it too. I am sleeping (without sleeping tablets!), not anxious, not needing Valium, being creative - it all feels so much better. So he agreed that I am fit to return to work (on a phased return - I will start part time) after half term. That will be the first full week in June.
I've told school this and had a positive response, but suddenly it all seems to be happening too quickly and I am feeling threatened and scared. It's almost certainly without justification. I saw the head teacher and we talked about the return to work meeting, which he said Occupational Health and Human resources will be involved in. Confusingly, this contradicts the message I heard from Occupational Health, where my clear impression was that this meeting would only be between the head teacher and myself. So that is one anxiety.
The second came from the comment by the head that, at the meeting, matters meeded to be discussed "to protect and support both you and school." That immediately triggered all my fears of rejection, criticism, failure etc. The thought that sprung to mind was that they might want to use the meeting to get rid of me. I was somewhat reassured by a later discussion with the Assistant head, but not completely, for she has become very distant, remote. (She and another colleague at school have been support for me in the past; I use her office as a bolt hole and with the other colleague I have a very mutually supportive relationship. One is definitely leaving at the end of term, and the other has an interview which I suspect will result in her leaving as well.)
So I have to face up to and deal with what is probably catastrophic thinking. My sense of self worth is still fragile and I am scared it will be undermined in the meeting. I'm worried that I will not be able to make or justify my points and feelings effectively. And, to add to all that, I am of course very nervous about returning to work after an absence of nearly three months. Can I wind the clock back and tell my GP I am not yet ready to return? Except, of course, I can't - this has to be faced up to and dealt with, terrifying though that feels.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
The meeting does sound quite scary - and it probably feels that way for the other people involved as well. What with employment law and government policy constantly changing, the head teacher is probably as worried as you are that HE'll get it wrong. Thinking of you as you take this step - it IS a big one, but as your GP says, you are ready for it. Hope that the powers that be actually manage to make it smooth for you - that's what they're supposed to be doing I'm sure.
Thank you, Marcella. It's good to get the reminder of another perspective. I do hope it happens smothly - and quickly!
it does sound scarey but i think marcella is right - they do have to get it right for you as well. Maybe you can speak to hR and oH and see if they are attending, so that you can prepare properly. Can you take someone with you as an observer or advocate - not because you want to cause trouble or admit weakness but there could be an imbalance of power and because so often things get muddled or forgotten about when there's so much pressure.
I hope it is smooth and safe for you and that your needs are understood accepted and met.
xc
Thank you Caroline.
I phoned OH today to tell my contact there that I have been signed back to work so I am hoping she might contact me tomorrow. I have also (after a lot of soul searching) contacted my union rep and he will be attending with me. That makes me feel better - like you say, he can be an observer and an advocate. He also knows what is legal and not. I'm assured that OH and HR will want to help me as well as school. I don't like the feeling of uncertainty though, and it is a real struggle not to catastrophise just now! Everyone I have spoken to presents it as a "normal" process in the circumstances and not something to be dreaded, though also as something it is natural I should feel anxious about - especially given the anxieties around returning to work at all.
Hi Caroline
Reading your post, my first thought was......to suggest that you have someone with you. So, am glad that is going to happen.
It's a sad state of affairs when we all have to be so darn cognizant of exactly what can be said and what can't be for fear of some legal twist bites us in the butt. It makes me sad that people can't openly express themselves, even if it is a formal meeting etc.
We have lost the "human" in Human resources.....it seems like Management everywhere has lost their ability to be human by reaching out to another human. Instead, we work in environments where everyone has to cover their asses, and be careful with their feelings.
And.....because the system is set up like this....the message is loud and clear.....look after yourself. Arrange to have someone there to balance out the equation....stick up for your rights and know that you have done YEOMANS work over the past 3 months......harder and more important stuff than anything thrown at us in the workforce.
And if they start lobbing the guilt trippy pitches, know that they are only doing their best and looking out for themselves....because that is what is expected.
it is a silly circle of weirdness isn't it???
oh, and if all else fails.....do what they tell us to do when overcome with the "nerves" while delivering a speech......imagine the audience naked. :)
Dana, your post made me smile as well as giving me several useful ideas and thoughts. Thank you.
So much of what you posted ties in with my psychologist's frequent reminders that I am being asked to do the impossible on a daily basis at work. All the time, it seems, we all have to jump through hoops which supposedly protect others and raise standards. We're not allowed to be "good enough" - instead we are all expected to be excellent, all the time. That's the shift I have to make. Realising that whatever happens on Wednesday (the meeting has now been scheduled) has more to do with ticking boxes and jumping through more hoops will hopefully make it easier. As will your final suggestion - as long as I can prevent inadvertant grimaces!
Post a Comment