In most ways, it's been a good day today. I've done some "normal" things - been to the gym and had a really good workout, took the girls to school this morning, bought the rest of the plants for the pond, did the washing and hung it out on what was a sunny but rather chilly day.
However, that's a fraction of a "normal" day for me. Those are the type of things I would try to fit in alongside a "normal" teaching day (maybe not the plants, but everything else, for sure). Yet doing just that fraction of a "normal" day has left me shattered, mentally as well as physically. So although I've felt OK, even good, for much of the day, now in the early evening I feel drained and disappointed in myself.
I'm in that "so near...so far" state. In many ways I am "so near" to being back at work; in others an ability to return and cope is "so far" away. It's a strange place to be - ill, and not ill; well, and not well. So near to normality - and yet so far away.
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5 comments:
cant help wondering if what is 'normality' for you - or at least what you used to do as 'normal' is a reasonable expectation of anyone? you wroote a few days ago about how not doing. having to do everything yourself
ws helpful - is there a different normal you can work towards?
Couldn't agree more with Caroline's comment...Truly, that's a phenomenal amount to achieve when you're on sick leave. It's a pretty stunning amount to achieve in the normal course of events.PLEASE give yourself a chance!
ditto........
I did read today, however, about a woman who was going through a bunch of her own stuff. People kept telling her to just focus on one day at a time. This wasn't her way of being. She was a planner and a dreamer. So, her healing looked very different than what others were suggesting. She did have to let go of many of her plans....it was too much, but she found that if she could look farther down the road while she fulfilled one of her goals, she was able to stop thinking about the healing and let it happen.
I found that very interesting.
I'm off to my garden.....it's a mess. :)
cheers.
I read your post and the comments... I agree with them all, and can't help thinking that whilst normal is different for everyone, there is a limit to how much we can do indefinitely without it taking a toll physically and mentally..
try and be kind to yourself and make that as much of a habit as the rest of it all....easier said than done... hugs, Katie
Thank you all. These comments were all so useful to me and gave me a reality check that may be just what I need. I get so used to being busy all the time, and there are no external measures by which to check whether what I am doing is reasonable. I've taken it much easier today - one batch of clay to the edge of the farmland, another barrowload dug, and lots of reading / knitting / playing computer games. To be honest, others have commented how much I do when I am well and I have been feeling it is time to slow down a bit - it's the "how to" which is so difficult, isn't it? Today, though, I have asked others to help - Eleanor has dealt with the washing on the line, Hannah has done the dishwasher and Will did a quick shop this morning. I guess I will just have to keep working at slowing down and being gentle with myself as you suggest, Katie - but you are right, it is much easier to say than to do!
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