I see through rejection-tinted glasses. I'm eaten up by emptiness and fear of emptiness. I feel alone. Fear of abandonment is a brick wall I cannot see how to break down and one which blocks my trust in others.
I see through rejection-tinted glasses. There is no one thing which makes me feel this way. This week has contained maybe more than its share of opportunities for me to spot signs of being abandoned, some of which have been blameworthy, others not. In my mind they build up, brick on brick. I need to break that wall down - but I'm lost to know how to do it.
Fear of abandonment was the theme in my psychology session this week. The ending of those same sessions is also drawing closer. I want to cry and cling on, and not allow it to be - but what I need to do is accept the inevitability and the rightness of the ending. To do that I also need to trust myself - to trust that I am capable of going on and not falling apart, to trust that if I do fall apart I can pick myself up and put the pieces back together again, and to trust that others will be there to lift me to my feet and help me gather up the pieces. But I see and trust through rejection-tinted glasses.
7 comments:
this is wondefully apt and powerful, i'm sorry its such a difficult break to make, it sounds horribly familiar. I hope that the ending process allows you to learn to recognise the parts of you that have imbibed and embraced the ways of thinking that have been shown to you, and ways of tuning into them when you fall, as you will, and need to know that you will scramle up again, maybe noit as elgantly, but you will do, and i hope and pray that many other people, me amongst them, will be able to hold you throughout when you need us,
you won't be alone caroline, even tho you may feel it, there will be emty gaps to fill but I beleive that they will be filled or transformed and you will flower as your GP has predicted..
All I can say is that I am thinking of you and caring for you, which sounds crazy as I dont' know who you are, where you live, or almost anything about you!! But I want to say don't give up, you sound a lovely person, and you will get better.....xxx
I'm also thinking of you. The issue of rejection is a very real one and I find it all too easy to go in fearing rejection and so never allow someone in in the first place. Well done for trusting yourself enough to start the process, all the best in accepting the ending.
You see....3 people there for you already, Caroline. None of us can fix things, but we can be companions and we can care.
Love and prayers xx
Hi Caroline. I received this story in an email yesterday from a woman whom I had mentored when she was a teenager. I wasn't much older than her....as I was her "camp counsellor" for a couple of summers. She's 40 now....a Momma and a school teacher. I hadn't heard from her in a while, so to hear from her last night when I was writing a long piece on my blog about a crappy day I was having etc.....was like receiving a wink from the Cosmos. I copied it in my comment section and now, I want to share it with you.......
The Living Bible.....
His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.
He is brilliant. Kind of profound and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college.
Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students but are not sure how to go about it.
One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat.
The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.
Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.
By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.
About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill.
Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do.
How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy.
The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.
And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won't be alone.
Everyone chokes up with emotion.
When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget."
"Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read!"
I asked the Lord to bless you
As I prayed for you today.
To guide you and protect you
As you go along your way....
His love is always with you,
His promises are true,
And when we give Him all our cares,
You know He will see us through.
We are never alone Caroline.... look beside you........ we are there to walk the mile with you.
take care.
Appreciative hugs to you all.
sending a late night hug...
take care of yourself
xc
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