Reframing

I had a good session with the psychologist today, even though I was dreading it. I was sure he would agree with all my husband had said and more, and I didn't think I could take any more criticism. However, he had lots of positive things to say and stressed that many of the things H accused me of were patently untrue - in fact, the opposite traits are strong features of me and of my problems.

We talked about change and how the changes I have made in myself impact others and may be perceived as a threat. We discussed my fear that I would have to return to old patterns of behaviour, but he reminded me how unhealthy many of those patterns had been - seeking to please others, being overly sensitive to their needs etc. We talked about possible reasons for H's reactions as well as them being a reaction to change. I came away with a sense that this is not all my fault and that I am dealing OK with it - not brilliantly in some cases, but OK and as well as I can and better than the psychologist expected.

Still, nothing is resolved - as far as H is concerned it is all forgotten, apparently - or brushed under the carpet. As far as I am concerned, at the moment I am having to live with the situation - I can't change it all at once, so will have to keep chipping away at things and reminding the family that they have responsibilities too; I am no longer willing to shoulder them all. Instead of asking H whether he will do one of the school runs, I asked him which he would prefer to do - beginning or end of the day. I've reminded the girls of their dishwasher duties. I have done my share - sorted laundry, hoovered, tidied - but I have not done it all. I have even asked H to take the wheelbarrow of clay which I have dug up from our garden to the farmland for me - and he has agreed, provided I go with him and show him where i have been putting it. That is real progress for me (I can't take it myself without risking my back further damage). It means I can foresee getting the bed dug and planted, which will give me a boost too.

Little steps, but I'm climbing the rollercoaster again - and trying not to look down. Thanks to you all for being there and for responding so helpfully - you have been lights along the route.