Lots of things happening for me this week. Tomorrow I see a counsellor provided through my employers - not sure how that is going to work, don't want to conflict / compromise what I am doing with the psychologist. Tuesday younger daughter has a concert and I have to go - lots of people, parents and school staff and I am dreading it. Wednesday I see D, my psychologist and i have a dental appointment (dreading that). Sometime this week I will probably be contacted by occupational health as well. Plus there is still the relationship with my CPN, about which I am feeling very fragile.
Anyone who is inclined to offer up a prayer or two - I'd be very grateful.
I'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.
Blogs I read
- A Fortunate Man
- A Long Walk to Forever
- Awareness
- Dare to Dream
- Fighting the Urge
- Frolicking Through Llife
- Good in parts
- I'm a Medical Student...
- Lake Cocytus
- Mandy
- Marcella
- Medicines, Animals and a Dream
- Mental nurse
- Mouse
- Nearly time
- Neenaw
- One Pedestrian Away
- Pip
- Pole to Polar
- Police Inspector Blog
- Rainbow Dreams
- Random Acts of Reality
- Rufus May
- Schizophrenia - a Carer's Story
- Seratonin
- The fight for Mrs Carr
- The muddled marketplace
- There and Back
- Traumaqueen
- Useless CPN
7 comments:
Hi Caroline......
I have read your recent posts, and feel your pain and anxiety. It's difficult enough juggling all of our roles.....(I too am a working mom trying to manage).....let alone add personal angst and issues into the mix. Life truly is a rollercoaster. When you're the MOM? You've got your rollercoaster along with every other family member's rollercoaster!!
I took some time off a couple of years ago when everything seemed to be imploding....though I wasn't able to resolve a lot of my own struggles, it surely helped gain some perspective and allowed me the freedom to take time for myself.........time to learn to breathe again.
I took on no projects......except putting.....in my garden, in my home, with my kids, with a book....I wasn't writing then unfortunately, but I think my time off opened my writing gates again, after I was able to step away from the confusion in my head.
I'm just learning how to pray, and in fact am trying to write about it this afternoon.......my struggles with the whole praying thing......but if I manage to get the hang of it, you will be a part of my discourse with God. IN the meantime, I am thinking of you....
we are never alone, Caroline.
Be kind and gentle to yourself by doing what your heart tells you....... deep breaths..... take care.
Thank you so much - for clicking and for letting me know I am not as isolated as I feel. And for the helpful reflections and suggestions.
Breathing - something that has been mentioned to me. Pottering around, yes, but I am so disjointed I need to give some structure, build things in and am trying to do that. Space and time, though, are things I'm not used to having (working mum syndrome, as you rightly hint at) and I am trapped between wanting and needing to make the most of them and feeling guilty at doing so.
Thank you for reaching out. It helps.
it's the guilt thing that chokes us. It does me for sure!! I found it very difficult to let go of some of my "responsibilities" most of which were assumed by me and then assumed by everyone else.....expected too. It ate me up! Of course there are many tasks and responsbilities one has to maintain, but some can be passed onto others or dropped completely, I am finding. This is what I tried to do when I had my time off, but it was hard because I'm programmed to be a multi-tasker.
I read a great book a couple of years ago.....by Anthony de Mello entitled "Awareness" (where my blog name came from) He talks of the importance of being "selfish" in a way I found helpful.....it made sense to me and made me realize that I needed to re-find my sense of self which had been lost in all the stuff I did and all the other roles I played.
You're a teacher? I am in the helping profession as well....I believe people who have a calling to work with others are excellent at giving and at consoling etc others. In many instances, the giving is reward in itself, but I do believe we need to replenish, to console ourselves, and to find resolutions for our own stuff....this process, to make the transition from always giving and nurturing of others to finding ourselves in need of consoling and nurturing is painful and difficult because it means we have to face our own shadows.
Prayer helps, slowing down helps, surrendering to receiving Guidance and hugs from others helps.....and knowing that every now and then the roller coaster slows down enough that we can get off to we can go for long meandering walks with no sense of time is always good to keep in mind.
We are so good at being reliable responsible beings, sometimes the lesson is to tell everyone to fend for themselves for a bit while you go out to pick a bouquet of spring blooms.
Beauty is all around us and in us.
May you find your smile again in amongst the blooms, Caroline.
dana.
caroline
dana (as usual) has eloquently said what I am sure many of us would want to say
i have no real idea what prayer is or how it works these days but i sure as hell will send my thoughts toward the almighty
what was annie lamott says - the best 2 prayers in the world are 'help, help, help.' and 'thank you, thank you, thank you' - tfry the first one for a while and hopefully sometime soon the second will follow....
Thank you both for your very helpful suggestions and observations. I need to take that time and space. I was ordered to do things I enjoy today, and had it spelt out to me why that was important. I'm overwhelmed with physical and mental exhaustion, though, which makes enjoyment hard to find. However, a massage is on the cards for tonight which is always a treat.
Just wanted to say that I've been praying, and will continue to do so.
If you felt that talking to a total stranger on email might ever help in any way, my address is revMYNAME at googlemail dot com
I hope the massage happened...And that you got through your daughter's concert too.
Take care, if you can allow yourself that.
Blessings
Thank you kathryn; I have emailed you.
the concert was easier to cope with than I predicted and I enjoyed my massage thank you.
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