A day of tears and baby steps

Thinking is like wading through treacle right now, so if this entry is unclear, that may be why.

I started the day by texting J, the coach I see at the gym, to ask her when her Pilates class was. It felt like going to it could be "a good thing". She replied with the time and asked if I wanted to go and meet her for a coffee beforehand. So I did - we went for a walk down by the river and chatted. It was lovely - sunny, daffodils out, ducks, geese and swnas swimming along the river. The Pilates class went well too so that was all good. Already at the point of the day I felt so much better for not being at work.

After lunch I had my appointment with D, my psychologist. That was hard. We covered self injury and suicide among other things so I guess it being hard is no surprise. My homework is to keep myself safe.

I haven't contacted S, my CPN. that's a bridge I am not ready to cross right now.

Picked up elder daughter from school and shared her success with her. Although only 14, she is doing AS psychology alongside her GCSEs and had her fist exam in that 6 weeks ago. Today she got the results. She got a B, which is itself a major achievement. What makes it even more so is that she was the only student in the class to get above a D (and only one student achieved this grade). She was very pleased.

I saw my GP this evening. I was very worried, even though I know him to be supportive and helpful. I suppose that is a measure of how out of control my anxiety is at the moment. However, I need not have worried - when I said I would like to be signed off work he said, "OK, fine" and on discussing it he said he thought it was an excellent idea. So I am officially ill and unfit to work for at least the next fortnight, and he said I can take it as read that if I am not feeling ready to go back in 2 weeks, he will sign me off for the rest of term. I am due to see him again next week.

He has told me I have to use this time to build myself up, to do things I will enjoy and which will nurture me. I have to forget the guilt and remember that how I am is a consequence of having too much pressure put upon me.

Hmmm.