tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12782308602037387992012-01-15T21:09:30.397ZI'm a rambling mass of inconsistencies, some hidden and some all too apparent. A "messy human", wishing to be visible and yet invisible, cherishing my differences but longing to fit in.Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.comBlogger7011100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-55862603074039042342012-01-15T21:08:00.001Z2012-01-15T21:09:30.405Z

ShitHere I am again.Scars on the arms and aches in the soul.Not knowing what is going on but finding it all too familiar.And fearing that I know all too well the answer to that question, "So what happens now?"

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-41546862862866113582009-12-05T18:29:00.002Z2009-12-05T18:31:53.223Z

I am so tired, and there is so much to do and so little space to do it in.Today was spent failing to do Christmas shopping.The run up to Christmas is so stressful. J being away seems to make it more so. Plus things are tough at work right now.I want to find ways to release the pressure. In the past I have used "negative" coping methods. I don't want to resort to those again, but I feel like I

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-31510378744628851852009-12-03T22:23:00.000Z2009-12-03T22:25:03.008Z

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-6704403125804162912009-12-02T21:55:00.002Z2009-12-02T22:00:13.229Z

... between my postings... I feel somewhat shy of posting here lately. no idea why.... between T sessions. J is away on holiday. She's entitled! But I am finding it hard. I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode. I recognise that I am irritable, tired, short-fused and tearful - and feel pathetic that I need someone so much. A large part of the problem is that I haven't had that one

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-2606211281032572812009-09-24T16:49:00.003+01:002009-09-24T16:54:54.424+01:00

Term is well underway. I have gone into my overdrive mode and am trying (failing) to slow down. Saw J today. Muddled session; small parts were out and confused and upset. Which left me confused and upset.She was talking about the wise mind / true self. I'm to try to have compassion for my needy attachment and submit parts, and try to bring calm. The theory is that I can learn to say no, can

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-10080774602499957352009-09-01T20:15:00.002+01:002009-09-01T20:24:17.625+01:00

Well, it was OK in the end.Some difficult things. One that I have changed the year group I am attached to. In the year group I was with last year I felt safe. I knew the other members of staff well and trusted them. The current year group are nice but very young - don't have as much in common with them - and not the same sense of trust. But it was a difficult situation and I didn't really

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-65554530011365124432009-08-31T22:41:00.003+01:002009-08-31T22:42:57.890+01:00

Bleh.Part of me is looking forward to it - to the structure, to teaching, to seeing things change.But I know how busy it is going to be. Especially as I have just signed up to take 3 MA modules this year. (Yes, I know. I'm mad. A danger to myself. I know.) I am going to miss the space. Lots of demands over the next few weekends as well. So I have mixed feelings. To say the least.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-50068721683742015512009-08-27T22:13:00.002+01:002009-08-27T22:22:54.033+01:00

It was messy. Trying to move from seeing everything as "my fault" to a place where I can see that things happened to me is really really uncomfortable. Trying to talk about things that tie in to my inner shame - things I know I need to talk about, things on one level I want to talk about - that was really difficult. Putting things into words which, deep down, I feel I must not talk about

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-58958112728603992582009-08-15T17:10:00.002+01:002009-08-15T17:14:01.676+01:00

I have just about two weeks left, and looking over things am satisfied with what i have done. Have managed to complete MA module essay and hand it in on time. Decorated hall and stairs. Sorted mortgage. Filled freezers with meals I have cooked. Cleared garage and got rid of massive amounts of stuff through Freecycle. Chosen and ordered flooring for hall and lounge. Got paint for lounge. Planned

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-36773747040510653822009-08-02T20:23:00.002+01:002009-08-02T20:25:41.664+01:00

Feeling a bit overwhelmed as I seek to move forward. Uncovering the hidden things of the past and putting them into words is scary and disorientating. I have so many ideas about how to uncover, and so want so much to move forward and out of this, but it is hard. I battle with self-destructive impulses and childlike terror. How far to push it, and when to take a breather?

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-66524501859239765752009-07-31T08:47:00.002+01:002009-07-31T08:57:04.766+01:00

Well, maybe.Counselling is continuing. J is great, and it is helping - but it is also very hard at times. Yesterday was an example of it being helpful and hard. After every session I seem to go a bit haywire internally as I process things; it makes Thursday evenings ahrd. However, yesterday I went into it with my focus on how to manage the hard feelings, and I did seem to manage them OK. Not

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-320859918114967112009-07-27T21:09:00.005+01:002009-07-27T21:14:42.517+01:00

Presumably when the organisation responsible decides it is not.See Mandy's recent posts about her dad, here.BLPT state in their own (recently approved)"POLICY AND PROCEDURE FOR REPORTING ADVERSE INCIDENTS (INCLUDING SERIOUS UNTOWARD INCIDENTS)" that a SUI is one which involves "· NHS Staff, patients, relatives, carers or visitors" which"· Causes death or serious injury or was life

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-56565844670596284852009-06-11T21:13:00.002+01:002009-06-11T21:14:41.916+01:00

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-47627877956566057342009-05-25T20:56:00.002+01:002009-05-25T21:01:47.870+01:00

Here I amIn the broken place.Surrounded by fragments.Promises echo from the wallsOf those who can reform Humpty DumptyThe potter who makes all things newThe fixer, the great mysteries of Time.They all sound hollow.You are not in my brokenness.You come from a place of wholenessSafe in your still place.What do you know of the tornado which has ripped me into shreds?Look at me now.Look closely.Don't

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-2332162147003106762009-05-25T20:51:00.002+01:002009-05-25T20:55:37.254+01:00

OK so I admit it. Tis all impossible. merging the pieces of my life, the broken bits, with the me other people see - the me I let them see, the me I want them to see - that is impossible.Seems I have a choice. I have to choose. Am I the broken one or the 100% fine one? Am I the jigsaw or capable and coping?I've tried to be coping. Tried to ignore the cracks, the joins. Tried to pretend

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-56222247800899105732009-04-27T20:44:00.004+01:002009-04-27T20:51:43.711+01:00

I spent most of yesterday at our local A&E.... All scary stuff.Went to bed on Saturday evening with pain in my back. Woke with same pain but more so, like someone pressing on my back. Through the morning it progressed to the front of my chest, and up into my jaw. About 12.30 I phoned NHS direct for advice - and before I knew it there was a paramedic at my home and I was all wired up. Tracings

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-85338258957937657412009-04-20T18:33:00.001+01:002009-04-20T18:34:13.881+01:00

Rubbish first day back.Now feeling isolated and inadequate.Bleh.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-60229118007495373312009-04-08T20:48:00.004+01:002009-04-08T20:51:52.821+01:00

Lots of postcard making going on, albeit in a different style to those I have made previously. Posted here for your consideration. Make of them what you will; there is meaning to each one.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-4161128847620079922009-04-02T22:39:00.003+01:002009-04-02T22:42:27.474+01:00

J was, as ever, supportive, encouraging, challenging....It was another tough, dissociative session. Progress made - as far as I remember the session anyway. I wish that I could remember more clearly.Have booked an extra session next week - both to try to build on what I think happened today and because I feel so wobbly and anxious right now. Wish I had got another prescription for Valium

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-71814605842077701472009-04-01T18:48:00.002+01:002009-04-01T18:58:10.453+01:00

...tomorrow is my consultancy day. Big sighs, small smiles. That I can cope with. Am looking forward to being on the receiving end of some training rather than giving it - I have a session booked with one of the regional trainers. If nothing else it will hopefully show me I am telling others how to do things "properly"! I expect to pick up some useful tips and tricks as well.Also tomorrow is

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-24373804886210594172009-03-27T21:09:00.002Z2009-03-27T21:11:39.179Z

I don't have any words left in me.J is away this weekend. It shouldn't matter but it does.One more week of term left. For me, that is 3 teaching days. (I don't teach on Thursdays as I do my consultancy work, and on Friday we have "activities").E is 17 tomorrow. 17! Every time I look at photos of my neice (now 18 months) I see E. The resemblance is uncanny. How can E be 17?I would like to

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-12336819778328686602009-03-21T20:08:00.000Z2009-03-21T20:09:08.040Z

http://www.poetrybycharlescfinn.com/pleasehear.html

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-36820127246813030872009-03-13T20:24:00.002Z2009-03-13T20:27:40.448Z

which is probably why I haven't said it.We have three weeks to go to the end of term, and I have about 6 weeks worth of work to fit into those three weeks. Not sure how it is all going to get done.This week I have something on after school on every day. I have training to run, training to attend, a meeting to run and an open day to plan. I have a budget to write and a subject improvement plan

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-37015854968234750772009-03-02T18:56:00.002Z2009-03-02T19:04:38.714Z

That's how it felt, anyway.From the moment I stepped in the door I seemed to be sorting out IT issues. Logons, video players, Excel, links to our VLE, Internet connection disappearing - all came my way today. At lunch time I resorted to taking my lunch to the office to eat it, because that way nobody could ask me to do anything.I need to practise using that two letter word beginning with N and

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-45088015539192270252009-02-26T09:00:00.000Z2009-02-26T09:00:00.170Z

It seems the interim chief executive has his moments of frustration with many of the current directors of BLPT. This from one set of Executive Board minutes:PG expressed his disappointment that a pre-meeting was arranged with the Director of Finance from Beds & Luton and senior staff, including operational staff. PG had requested that his contracting team and senior Directors change their diaries

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-18327067162137463782009-02-25T09:00:00.000Z2009-02-25T09:00:01.117Z

This from the Executive Team Meeting minutes from January 16th:PG expressed disappointment following a visit that although considerable investment in the infrastructure and new beds Ward Managers were allowing beds to be made up with dirty sheets and duvet covers.Eugh.Where's the dignity in that?

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-51085278017868218422009-02-24T20:31:00.001Z2009-02-24T20:32:54.398Z

After I emailed them, the Board Secretary has arranged for the incorrect links on the Trust Board Minutes to be repaired. She has also had the Performance Report uploaded again and it is now available online. Do I get paid for acting as their quality control?:-)

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-36497137966205868252009-02-24T07:37:00.002Z2009-02-24T07:37:58.601Z

that the computer network at school is a little more functional today than it was yesterday!

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-4278159046258940902009-02-23T09:00:00.000Z2009-02-23T09:00:01.288Z

Changes afoot.As well as the resignation of the entire Non-Executive part of BLPT's board, the Director of Strategy and Business Development seems to have departed, to be replaced by Peter Wadum-Buhl. He is also associated with South Essex Partnership Trust - where Patrick Geoghenan is the Chief executive. Also joining BLPT from SEPT is one Oliver Shanley, acting as Interim Executive Director

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-45580073094800291272009-02-22T22:32:00.000Z2009-02-22T22:33:25.577Z

I went to a concert last night - the music from Larkrise to Candleford. (Not the TV series, but the stage show from many years ago, featuring The Albion Band). It was fantastic - great music, banter, such fun. At one point the band started playing and I instantly recognised the tune. However, I knew that the reason I recognised it was not that it was part of the show, or that it was on the CD (it

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-70654233605445599242009-02-22T09:00:00.001Z2009-02-22T09:00:00.676Z

More on (lack of) services from the minutes for January.· EH enquired why the percentage of referrals for psychology waiting more than 11 weeks was in excess of 20%. HB confirmed that the process was effective but that there were capacity issues. She said the Trust does receive funding for the service but at present this was insufficient to fund the level of service needed, although this did

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-5324555427711450132009-02-21T11:56:00.000Z2009-02-21T11:56:00.531Z

I'm trying to note this as I see it.Counselling sessions with J are having a big impact. Yes, the sessions are often tough and I do spiral down from time to time. But I have not missed a single day of work since I started seeing her. The flashbacks have become much less frequent and much less terrifying. I'm not feeling that incapacitating depression, or the anxiety that I was feeling

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-89926477640858669752009-02-20T15:40:00.003Z2009-02-20T16:14:52.848Z

You have reloaded your February agenda and now NONE of the links to documents are working. Fantastic work.The documents are online - it just takes a lot of playing around to get to them, given that all your links point to the wrong addresses.For anyone who (like me) wants to know what is going on, here are links to some of the documents:Minutes from JanuaryFinance ReportExecutive team minutes 23

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-61430056403467034332009-02-20T09:47:00.004Z2009-02-20T10:07:38.960Z

These seem to have come online in the last couple of days. I've had the usual fun getting into them, given that many of the links are incorrect.In the minutes for last month (here, not as linked from the online agenda), one non-executive director's comments are recorded thus: EH was concerned that there was an adverse forecast for Corporate Services and Operations Management. Savings appeared

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-63491332042796482982009-02-19T22:13:00.003Z2009-02-19T22:20:35.562Z

I wrote before Christmas of my shock at finding that my then CMHT had "merged" with another local one, putting me back with the team where I had huge problems previously. My trusted psychiatrist told me he was moving to inpatient work. The new CMHT did not act on his request that I was allocated a key worker. All bad stuff - though my discharging myself from their "care" has led to a lot less

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-69469892684858523922009-02-14T19:41:00.002Z2009-02-14T19:46:45.396Z

I made it...Now, there's just the not-so-small matter of 160 reports to write, 100 assessments to mark, a similar amount of other work, oh, and the housework. But let's not worry about that...Actually, at the moment (and this may change!) I am not worrying too much about it. I am feeling OK. I'm making progress in my work with J and gaining understanding of what is going on. I think I am

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-13463196161175308272009-02-05T19:16:00.003Z2009-02-05T19:29:06.833Z

There's a very interesting press release on the blpt website. For such a major announcement, I found it interesting that its only appearance is buried in a press release, several unremarkable clicks away from the front page.The start of it reads:TRUST CHAIR AND NON-EXECUTIVE DIRECTORS PLAN TO STEP DOWN FOR A BETTER FUTURE FOR LOCAL SERVICE USERSThe Chair and Non-Executive Directors of

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-42284674171240807092009-02-02T21:12:00.002Z2009-02-02T21:17:41.772Z

Today has beena day of coping with changes. We had the open day for the work I am doing as a consultant - and it snowed all day. The pupils who were meant to be joining me couldn't get over. Nor could about half of those who were going toa ttend. Nor could several of those who should have been speaking. I did one of my talks in full; the other was truncated in order to allow for an earlier

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-34758434071983825452009-01-30T20:42:00.003Z2009-01-30T20:51:33.425Z

It's been nearly a week since I last posted.So, what's been going on?Mostly manic work, and me coping to various extents with that. Given that I teach a lot of ICT, I will leave you to imagine the effects of the numerous internet failures this week. Today, however, added a new twist. I had ICT this morning with Year 8 (never easy). They couldn't log on; the machines just hung. So I sent for

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-75293393829246541542009-01-24T21:27:00.002Z2009-01-24T21:35:29.133Z

I'm coped with J, my counsellor, being on holiday for two weeks. Hopefully she returns today and I see her on Thursday.I've been doing too much and am feeling overwhelmed. I need to shut off more in the evenings. It wasn't helped my a member of management at work asking me to take no a major task - and continuing to try to persuade me to do so after I said it was too much work and I couldn't

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-42602732870642372192009-01-19T07:33:00.002Z2009-01-19T07:39:18.588Z

We have spent the weekend putting new furniture together (two bookshelves and a wardrobe for younger daughter). As a direct result, most of the house is in chaos - packaging, books on the move, clothes on the move - to say nothing of the housework not done because we were putting furniture together.I have managed to write my first mini assignment for my MA - for Wednesday's session. Am quite

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-32557150415827702092009-01-15T20:52:00.001Z2009-01-15T20:53:40.971Z

Had a great day there today. Did some good networking, saw some cool things, had great conversations with friends I have not seen in a while. Really positive; have laughed a lot and come away feeling physically shattered but mentally energised. All good.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-63815199857072347402009-01-13T18:17:00.002Z2009-01-13T18:22:26.237Z

...a bit overwhelmed. Lots of things competing for attention in my head right now - short term (is tea cooked yet), medium term (what about that lesson I haven't planned? What am I going to say at the two sessions I have agreed to give at a regional conference? What date should we go to visit my parents?) and long term (What about younger daughter's GCSE options? Will I ever complete an MA?)..

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-28119825414447695432009-01-09T07:21:00.002Z2009-01-09T07:33:19.532Z

I had my last session with J yesterday before she goes on holiday. My next session is in three weeks time. Gulp. It was a good session though - very useful. All was going well; I had a positive phone conversation witha colleague about the support work I am doing; went into my own school to do some support work with a couple of staff there - and then set off for a meeting. The meeting was at

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-3977602758333572322009-01-06T18:48:00.002Z2009-01-06T18:54:58.923Z

Not surprisingly, perhaps, given yesterday, I felt very subdued today. I was fortunate enough to have an hour of non-contact time first, which gave me time to complete some vital tasks away from pupils. Then it was a KS3 day. Two lots of Year 8 ICT to start with; the first was very hard work with the pupils extremely noisy; the second (usually a harder class) much better, with some pupils

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-83642291483766446582009-01-05T19:56:00.002Z2009-01-05T20:02:09.494Z

It snowed here - but not enough to prevent school from opening, sadly.The training day was just as bad as ever and I now feel like crap. We started off with what our head called a "game" - he told us to write down the 5 key points of the Every Child Matters agenda, then the 6 key points of Personal Learning and Thinking Skills, and then the 7 key points of Assessment for Learning. So I felt

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-41513429432284710892009-01-04T19:18:00.002Z2009-01-04T19:48:03.652Z

Term starts with a "training day" tomorrow and I am dreading it.The pattern always seems to be the same. We return from our break, reasonably refreshed (and hopefully, at this time of year, with not too many of us ill!) Many of us have things we are looking forward to doing, with a new terma nd a new year. Then we have the staff meeting. You can see shoulders slumping as it progresses, with "

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-35797260752594851612009-01-03T17:39:00.002Z2009-01-03T17:49:55.908Z

I've managed to get a few things done today, though (as ever) not as many as I wanted. A bit of housework, and a lot of shopping. Two teenage daughters who are shooting up (one is taller than e now, the other not far behind) meant new clothes were needed. So today was a trip to town with younger d (older one was in too, but with her friends)to buy new jeans. Success! Then there were various

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-51117003914479882522009-01-02T11:43:00.002Z2009-01-02T11:51:19.440Z

We've finished our current room reorganising here. The dining room has now become the music room, while the spare bedroom is now my sewing room. I've dragged boxes from the loft, gone through all my fabric and organised it, and am now inspired. I've sorted out all my partially completed projects, and have begun completing one of them. I've also found some fabric for the border for the quilt

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-87499664601436837162009-01-01T09:43:00.000Z2009-01-01T09:44:02.268Z

Here's hoping we all have a good one.Be safe.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-77791796386175068642008-12-31T15:45:00.002Z2008-12-31T15:48:29.384Z

It's always seemed odd to me how others perceive me -because I rarely perceive myself in the same way. I talked about this with J at my session this morning. We spoke about how hard it is for me to see myself as capable and coping, how I have a tendency to feel that I can't cope, even when evidence suggests the opposite. She had some very helpful ideas about how this belief came about, and

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-77656761898480055292008-12-29T14:48:00.002Z2008-12-29T15:00:35.184Z

Halfway through the holidays - this break never feels quite "long enough" with all that has to be squeezed into it. We've been doing some room reallocation - the spare room upstairs is to become my sewing room while the dining room downstairs will house all the musical instruments. We're at the messy in between stage; I have moved my sewing things out of the downstairs room and now W is moving

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-28128312778237739752008-12-26T11:06:00.003Z2008-12-26T11:18:06.434Z

A lovely Christmas day here - just the relaxed, family kind I needed.The adults woke first this year - that hasn't happened before! - so I trundled downstairs to make a cup of tea - which woke the teenage contingent. As is traditional, they brought their stockings (at 16 and 13 stockings are still going strong!) and opened the contents sitting on our bed. They loved the silliness and the

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-18630741827610744612008-12-23T14:56:00.003Z2008-12-23T15:00:55.474Z

Have done two days shopping in town. Presents safely bought and only need to be wrapped now - maybe tonight if I can persuade W to join me in it. H (younger daughter) had her second contact lens teaching session today and has come home proudly bearing them, able to insert and remove them. She's looking forward to building up her wear time now. One happy teenager!Had a useful session with J

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-15929425031053863632008-12-19T19:26:00.002Z2008-12-19T19:29:34.450Z

Made it to the end of term. I have had no days of sick this term - first time in a long time. I was reminded during the staff Christmas lunch of how unwell I was last year, and the year before. I need to remember that things can change for the better - and if they have got this much better since last year, maybe they can continue to get better?

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-10220758541668182282008-12-18T17:30:00.003Z2008-12-18T17:36:23.451Z

Another helpful session with J this morning - we didn't use the Lifespan Integration technique this time, just did lots of other stuff.Then on for a consultancy meeting, where I was asked to show how I am using the learning platform. Very positive.On for lunch with L - lovely to talk with her. She is trying to encourage me to be more assertive - not an easy thing (for her or for me!) Good to

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-18704417897944798362008-12-16T17:30:00.002Z2008-12-16T17:32:54.127Z

It's hard to keep a positive perspective all the time.Sometimes things just overwhelm me. Everything becomes impossible. I'm too tired to reason, too tired to process. I either give up or go into superwoman mode, doing everything, aiming for perfection - at a time when I should take a step back and let things be.I know I am in danger of going into overdrive at the moment. I just don't know

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-28042317294311500212008-12-15T17:26:00.001Z2008-12-15T17:27:43.025Z

A great concert last night. The track below is not "typical" of their output but, having found the video, I had to put it here, because it makes me smile.We are now rating house lights with the chorus of the song..!

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-9572582988622671952008-12-14T12:49:00.001Z2008-12-14T12:51:04.690Z

For Gill's new grandson.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-50728510944716328332008-12-13T16:53:00.002Z2008-12-13T16:55:42.319Z

I had a sewing day today. It was billed as a "UFO" day (unfinished objects) but I actually used it to make a quilt from scratch. It's a cot quilt, for the new grandson of a colleague at work. I really enjoyed making it and am pleased with it. Just have to quilt it (hopefully tonight) and then I will add a photo of it.I have a similar day next week and intend to take a half-finished project

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-15118459619997761592008-12-12T21:15:00.004Z2008-12-12T21:20:56.859Z

I didn't take this photo (wish I had!) but chose it because I have seen some glorious sunrises over the last few days, while driving in to work. They change as we travel through the backroads and country lanes. Typically we see the sun cresting as we drive up to the bypass, usually with clouds making the sky purply red. As we drive away from the town, the skyline is dominated by silhouetted

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-34851674130407859742008-12-11T20:45:00.002Z2008-12-11T20:47:23.160Z

Hard stuff with J in my counselling session today. Am feeling very rocky tonight and the bad stuff is tempting. I'm pathetic, like I have been told by various people.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-35646009801585629512008-12-11T17:25:00.002Z2008-12-11T17:26:25.792Z

Not me this time, but Mandy and her Dad. Read the tale here.Yet again, support needed and promised but not put in place.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-51601800688330198262008-12-10T17:14:00.003Z2008-12-10T17:20:57.343Z

Feeling stretched thin just now. Lots to do and I think part of the problem is that I am too tired to know where to start. At a department meeting on Monday we were told about (yet) another Government directive, this time on Assessing Pupil Progress in English. Well, to be honest it looks to me like a step back to the first days of the National Curriculum, when we were constantly assessing

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-39252404049519575212008-12-08T19:52:00.002Z2008-12-08T19:56:14.834Z

I've done it twice today. Both times I have refused to take on something extra - or handed it back to others. It feels OK.(I've also said "yes" quite a lot - and that felt OK too!)Went to a great folk concert last night with the family - the Birmingham Folk Conservetoire. Lots of young musicians really enjoying making music. Next week we all go to see St Agnes Fountain, and the week after

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-39873251889413220322008-12-07T18:20:00.002Z2008-12-07T18:22:42.029Z

I've turned comment moderation on due to some visitors who appear to be creating Blogger accounts just to make personal attacks on me. Hopefully they will get tired of this eventually.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-3493684061910686892008-12-06T20:57:00.004Z2008-12-06T21:11:22.157Z

Dr K replied to my self-discharge, telling me he "would find it very difficult to discharge me" and would ask his secretary to send me a further appointment. Well, that's OK because he is not discharging me - I am discharging myself.He also said he hoped I was not "displacing" my anger onto him. I tried to explain I am not angry with him but do not feel I can trust him because he has made

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-67057605521014799192008-12-04T21:38:00.004Z2008-12-04T21:46:06.154Z

Started a new therapeutic approach with J today. It will help, I think, but I am feeling very tired tonight, and rather overwhelmed by new memories and connections. That's what the process is partly about, though, so I am trying to go with it and ride it. Today was an easier day for me, fortunately, in that I had more ability to direct my own time. Tomorrow is a full teaching day so I am

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-80010612623878018782008-12-03T21:40:00.005Z2008-12-03T21:51:27.520Z

Saw my wonderful GP today. It was good to be able to report my improved mood. I think the change in meds has finally "worked through", and I am feeling more secure with J. I'm still anxious about the new approach we are going to try tomorrow, but I do trust her to keep me safe and grounded. I also talked with Dr F about Christmas - a difficult time for me - and what I can do to keep things OK. (I

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-36025027750011073392008-12-01T19:58:00.002Z2008-12-06T23:32:59.903Z

Things are definitely getting brighter. Which is just as well really!A standardly manic day at work - teaching, marking, planning, teaching, solving ICT problems... All the normal stuff. Lots of little things which lightened the day. Such as the fact that every child in my English class handed in their homework on time. Having four different people say to me that I had lost weight / was

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-13588524684857773212008-11-29T09:19:00.004Z2008-11-29T09:24:26.516Z

Dear Dr XI am giving up on any expectation of support from CMHT and hence will not be keeping my appointment with you on December 4th.When I saw you last, on 30th October, you suggested that I needed CMHT support due to my increased difficulties. You were the first to inform me that CMHT services in mytown had been reorganised and that the K team, to which I had been allocated, no longer existed.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-84565115827645232452008-11-28T19:48:00.004Z2008-12-06T23:32:59.906Z

Taking gentle steps... J is so gentle - we get where we need to be, but she helps me to feel as safe as I can given where I am right now.Yesterday we looked at needing others ... and at allowing ourselves to feel strong and that being OK and right ... and at a new technique she wants to try in our next session ... and did some guided imagery. All challenging things for me, but I felt OK about

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-51908449518184422542008-11-28T17:37:00.000Z2008-11-28T17:37:00.138Z

From the latest minutes. My comments in red.AD had agreed to suspension of FT activity for a 3 months period.Ahh... interesting.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-9253497218100653802008-11-27T18:00:00.002Z2008-11-27T20:06:58.485Z

From the latest minutes. My comments in red.The trust has lost more staff than it has gainedMaybe this could go some way to explaining the gap in provision?Is it a failure to retain, a failure to recruit, a failure to try to recruit?With all the talk of saving money, I have to wonder.For my part, it feels like services have suffered.Oh, and no, I haven't heard anything about a new care

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-5894519556089101482008-11-26T19:08:00.001Z2008-12-06T23:32:59.907Z

I feel a slight shift today from black to grey.It's welcome.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-45695128475820767652008-11-26T17:38:00.001Z2008-11-26T17:38:01.040Z

From the latest minutes. My comments in red.GK said that CMHT was being radically re-engineered to provide services needed.It might have been "re-engineered", but I have yet to be convinced, on a personal level, that it is providing "services needed".Re-engineering usually implies improving. Re-engineering does not usually involve demolition without replacement. It implies supports are put in

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-76835250812967402962008-11-25T18:00:00.002Z2008-11-25T18:00:00.395Z

From the latest minutes. My comments in red.PG said that it was important to focus on the whole spectrum of the service user experience. They should be asked what they like about the service. The Executive team would be looking at last year’s results. Staff should make sure standards are what they should be in service user care.I'm all in favour of this. How, I wonder, is this to be ensured?I'd

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-39708567930583518462008-11-24T19:22:00.002Z2008-12-06T23:33:16.577Z

I keep reading in BLPT minutes that they intend to "cleanse" the list of current outpatients, to remove those who "shouldn't" be there.Can't help feeling like some grimy clump of dust which has either already been thrown away, or is about to be.It's how I see myself - an inconvenient piece of detritus, wrong place, wrong time, of little use to anyone. I know many of you lovely people who drop by

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-6350653727144097532008-11-24T18:00:00.000Z2008-11-24T18:00:01.286Z

From the latest minutes. My comments in red.AD (chair) was concerned that no service user should slip through the net with the transfer from Continuum.I'm not sure what "slipping through the net" means, but I feel as though my current experience with CMHT might possibly be defined in such terms.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-89386015695757839682008-11-22T20:03:00.002Z2008-11-22T20:07:49.434Z

Today has been a bit better than yesterday - just as well, I guess.Hubby took our younger daughter to her Saturday morning activity - usually my job. I stayed in bed.A friend from school phoned just after I had got up around 10am and invited me for coffee with another friend. We ended up having lunch as well. We were all feeling down, in various degrees, and it helped to share how we were

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-75517586299398160572008-11-21T21:20:00.003Z2008-11-21T21:23:36.078Z

All very rough tonight. Hitting the depths. Safety net gone and not sure how to cope with that. I want an escape route but I have thrown the map away.Phoned a helpline. They suggested I go to bed.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-60488148485924022582008-11-21T18:00:00.000Z2008-11-21T18:00:00.406Z

From the latest minutes. My comments in red.Quality of CarePG advised that a number of ratings had been amended downward this month. He would rather get the rating correct than mislead but until the evidence had gone through scrutiny the Trust was not is a position to say whether it was compliant or not.PG recommended that SHA be advised that the Trust is not in a position to make a declaration

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-75017022442644896352008-11-20T22:00:00.000Z2008-11-20T22:00:01.075Z

J was gentle and so kind.I told her how things are.She asked me to keep safe, asked me to promise her I would try to keep safe. She said it mattered to her that I was safe.She asked me to take the stored (old) meds to the chemist to dispose of. I did it today. I feel rather scared without them.She has said I can phone her, asked me to text her each evening.It's all a bit of a mess, all so up

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-77680428752651454472008-11-20T17:19:00.002Z2008-11-20T17:27:22.055Z

I had an email today from my psychiatrist. I'm sure it was triggered by my GP's fax asking for CMHT support to be put in and not by the promises of the same made by Dr K when I saw him three weeks ago. He writes that he has a personal assurance from the leader of the team I asked to be transferred to that a care coordinator will be arranged at their next team meeting next Tuesday. I think I am

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-43117224388668464322008-11-19T20:54:00.003Z2008-11-19T21:00:30.457Z

I've said it before, will say it again: my GP is great.Saw her tonight.Was frighteningly honest.She didn't blanche - in fact, was understanding and compassionate.She wants me to take the evening medication a bit earlier (when I get home) in the hope it will enable me to be less suicidally depressed in the evenings. Which is when it all hits me, to be honest. I don't understand it myself - how I

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-62147638757219602852008-11-19T06:57:00.002Z2008-11-19T07:00:03.151Z

We are having an ICT audit at school. As I walked in to talk to the two auditors they told me they were "looking forward to meeting ICT superwoman"! Apparently that's how some of my colleagues had described me. I denied all the accusations - lycra is so NOT me! Nice boost, though.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-37990161150395191742008-11-17T20:47:00.000Z2008-11-17T20:48:43.722Z

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-7453091217693653032008-11-16T10:35:00.003Z2008-11-16T10:36:27.546Z

Having written to discharge myself from (non-existent) CMHT support, on Friday I received an appointment to see my much trusted psychiatrist.I don't know whether to cancel it or keep it.

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-25551362167852468702008-11-13T21:40:00.002Z2008-11-13T21:40:38.600Z

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-41232432418858494802008-11-11T22:11:00.002Z2008-11-11T22:15:30.976Z

I need to stop expecting mental health services to support me now. D has moved on; Dr K is moving away from CMHTs (he was the person D told me to trust) and I am apparently back with the BE team. I keep trying to find out if Dr K has (as he said he would) got me assigned to a different team, a new CC, but I can't seem to get an answer. I don't think my GP will be able to either - because I

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-89069330146945577922008-11-10T22:02:00.003Z2008-11-10T22:05:54.718Z

Quite a good day today. Enjoyed my lessons and the busyness of work, though did retreat to a quiet office for a couple of hours (my non-teaching time and lunch). I think that helped. However, am aware of negative coping strategies creeping in and the desire to let more creep in. Alcohol, restricting food, SI, isolation - all are current temptations. Several of the positive strategies are slipping

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-17272439841937379802008-11-09T20:40:00.002Z2008-11-09T20:48:03.102Z

I have spent all afternoon doing work related stuff. I didn't cook. but then, I have felt "poorly sick" today. Not sure how much is a reaction - feels like i have had a migraine, bad head and queasy all day.I should probably contact my CPN again but am scared to for all sorts of reasons. Our last meeting was difficult, on both sides I suspect. I was very dissociative. She has left it to me

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-61180896246598052112008-11-08T20:03:00.002Z2008-11-08T20:06:45.928Z

I am struggling tonight. I would like to talk to someone about this but I can't think of anyone I can ask for help. I had a horrible flashback this morning.I coped OK for the rest of the day - went into town, made some cards - but now I am just feeling unable to cope, overwhelmed by everything.I have too much to do. I have a list of things to do but the site where i have stored it is down at the

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-61186624804744647032008-11-08T16:53:00.002Z2008-11-08T16:54:50.462Z

I had a letter today to tell me I have been accepted onto the MA course I applied for.Unfortunately I now have to find my QTS document. I have no idea where it is - I'm not even convinced I have such a document. It was nearly 25 years ago after all!Ho hum....

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-36645707933836858732008-11-06T21:40:00.002Z2008-11-06T21:54:59.254Z

Message to myself. Have realised today how necessary it is. Have no idea how to do it though.What made me realise? Well, apart from the fact that I am starting to feel like crying most of the time, some things which contributed were...Being in a (lovely) lower school and observing other teachers doing things well, but more slowly.Having a very very long day (9.00 start, 6.15 finish, home at

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-87601628493133371912008-11-05T21:16:00.003Z2008-11-05T21:19:28.688Z

Today I ended up crying at work again. Three times.There is so much to do and I put so much pressure on myself to do it all, particularly when other people are involved. I can see that I put so much of myself into my lessons, into my interactions with other staff, trying to help them etc. It really shouldn't surprise me that I end up shattered. Today the straw which broke me was saying no,

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-74844325202726279452008-11-03T21:18:00.003Z2008-11-03T21:22:32.137Z

Today was a training day.I'd feel more positive about myself if I had been teaching.It was a day of being told to jump through hoops - to prove we are doing things most of us are already doing, and to name them all using the official terminology. To subscribe to certain beliefs about the best way of doing things. It was a day of warnings - the dreaded "O" word (except that i no longer dread it

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-49887615818884401922008-11-02T16:08:00.002Z2008-11-02T16:11:16.706Z

... it scares me but I need to admit this somewhere.The self harming is increasing. I don't feel in control when I do it. In fact, I'm not really conscious of doing it. I'm scratching words I believe about myself on my arms. It's not that it makes me feel better, it's more that i feel I have to do it. i want to do more but can't. it's a hidden thing - I have told J about it but nobody else

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-66694708039367700722008-11-01T22:04:00.003Z2008-11-01T22:07:37.722Z

Over the past few days I have been increasingly worried by the fact that I am losing things.I have lost a library book, my phone, my keys and my therapy journal.All significant things, and all things which have allocated places.I've spend time hunting for them and worried considerably about what has happened to them and how I could possibly have lost them.The phone turned up on the floor in the

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1278230860203738799.post-35997128957501543412008-10-30T21:11:00.003Z2008-10-30T21:18:34.778Z

This is how i feel i am - or would like to be - right now.is all overwhelming and i feel prickly and unlovable.scared and alone and wanting to hibernate. wanting to shut the world out and sleep until spring.self pity probably but i feel inadequate, childish, wanting to be looked after - when the reality is i have to look after others.If I could find a safe den, and know those i care about would

Disillusionedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03250678226289036634noreply@blogger.com6